FOOTBALL FAST

 "Hello and welcome to Football Fast. Over to you Craig." 

 "Thanks Jeff. Liverpool beat Tottenham 2-1 yesterday. Some say against the run of play, but its up for debate." 

 "Thanks Craig. Here's the league table." 

 "...That was the league table. Over to Gary for the match previews." 

 "Man Utd are playing Southampton today before Sunderland entertain Man City. Big points up for grabs." 

 "Thanks Gary. Now, Marouane Fellaini has landed himself in trouble after controversy involving him elbowing opponent players. What are your views Jamie?" 

 "I think he definitely does it on purpose and he should be punished" 

 "Thanks Jamie. What about you Mick?" 

 "I think its accidental" 

 "Thanks Mick." 

 "Quiz time now. Who was top goalscorer in the championship last season? Get your texts in, lines close in 3, 2, 1. The answer is Andre Gray. Over to Charlotte with goals of the week." 

 "The best goals were by Aguero, Defoe and Payet. Back to you Jeff." 

 "GOODBYE." 

Non-Committal Norbert

Tabloid Ear Epidemic

Shut up and stop thinking. Disengage. Now re-engage; start again. But sit down, shut up and listen.

A threatening medical epidemic, named Tabloid Ear, has surged to unprecedented levels in recent years. Although Tabloid Ear is not a completely new phenomenon, its impact has never been so widespread.

Sufferers of Tabloid Ear not only have a more gullible frontal cortex, but actually do not even hear any utterance of truth at all. An explanation of the mechanics of Tabloid Ear is shown in the animation below. Under this condition, a person’s ‘Spasmic Resonance Duct’ becomes defective, preventing all useful information from reaching the brain. More elaborate, well-structured arguments, rather than entering the brain, enter the digestive system. In simplistic terms, Tabloid Ear victims can only hear facile information.

The origins of Tabloid Ear stem from “Tabloid Eye”, a similar complication regarding the processing of information. Those with Tabloid Ear also suffer from Tabloid Eye. Sufferers of Tabloid Eye have long graced the Earth, and are physically only able to see short, overly-simplistic forms of printed text. Recently however, the problem has grown in complexity and has escalated to the point of impairing not only sight, but hearing too. People are simply becoming tuned out of useful information frequencies. A new paradigm of media manipulation has begun.

Rising criticism of the NHS and political events such as Brexit lend themselves largely to this rise in Tabloid Ear. We interviewed a series of Tabloid Ear victims regarding the UK healthcare system. Annabelle Intestine, a 34-year-old from Derby, has had ocular problems of late. “The NHS is terrible now because of these immigrant doctors” claims Intestine. “I went because my eyes hurt, and I was told that they were infected. So I went home and bleached them, but I don’t know what he [the doctor] was on about because they’re way worse now. Bring back British Doctors.”

Another disgruntled sufferer, Richard Diculous, also has issues with the healthcare system. “Last time I went to the dentist she told me I had sensitive teeth. Now my teeth are even more timid after such humiliation. Why would she say that right in front of them?”. Diculous added that it was “a disgrace” and that he isn’t being racist but that “these people just don’t understand our culture.”

In some cases, Tabloid Ear can lead to extreme behaviour. Misplaced resentment and anger has caused serious physical injury to some Tabloid Ear sufferers, such as 48-year-old Ian Sledgehammer. “They wouldn’t see me at the doctors fast enough because of all these bloody EU regulations, so to get seen to quicker, I stuck my leg in a vending machine and snapped it”, explains Sledgehammer. At the moment in this interview in which Sledgehammer announced that “The EU made me break my own leg”, a problem became clear. The epidemic is reaching such an extent that Tabloid Ear victims are beginning to attribute irrelevant scarring events, such as the aforementioned, to tabloid information, only exacerbating their misdirected resentment.

You have to acknowledge that views such as these, often based on a vain sense of national pride, that although clearly illogical, are not their fault. One must be understanding and sympathise with the fact that they suffer cognitive impairment derived from their Tabloid Ear.

To cure a person of Tabloid Ear, one must visit an otolaryngologist. Sadly, the sheer complexity of the word ‘otolaryngologist’ means that sufferers of Tabloid Ear simply do not understand who they must visit to receive help. Even sufferers who do manage to reach the otolaryngologist struggle, as they fail to compute the majority of the given medical advice.

In almost all cases, those with Tabloid Ear are completely unaware of their disorder. So to help a victim, contact your local GP on their behalf. The GP will then refer the client to Earhab, where professional fully-trained holistic ear therapists will begin the long road to recovery. These professionals will perform a range of tasks, including:

- Massaging clients Eustachian tubes with a state of the art, bespoke cotton bud (this allows removing of auricular impurities)
- Delicately whispering some sense into their ears at a low-set tone
- Fanning air, fresh from difficult academic literature, directly into the client’s ears
- A range of specialist world treatment techniques including Rwandan Ear Rubbing

Every day the number of Tabloid Ear sufferer’s increases. The implications of this affliction can be disastrous, both physically and ideologically, putting all of society at risk of feeling the repercussions. If you know of anyone with Tabloid Ear, please assist in helping them get their mind back on course. The future of our country is at stake.

Adrian Piles?!?!!?!!!

For TV and Radio presenter Adrian Chiles, 49, days as an ITV football pundit were subject to widespread criticism and formal complaints. Many critics suggested that he needed a kick up the arse to force an improvement in his presenting abilities. However, it has since transpired that this may have been the worst possible remedy.

"Fidgety"... Chiles' relentless mumbling and inability to formulate any clear opinion concisely played a crucial role in tarnishing his TV reputation. He could not sit still. Recent scientific studies provided new insights into explaining as to why Chiles exhibited discomfort in front of camera. 

American proctologist, Butt Ulcer, 62, of the University of Michigan, suggested in February that Chiles' body language during this period was synonymous to that of people or animals suffering with haemorrhoids. 

"The fast-paced flippant wittering of Chiles suggests that he was in a great deal of discomfort" suggests Ulcer. "He could not focus on one point for too long, resulting in a hurried and seemingly impertinent demeanour which people are not used to seeing from TV personalities."

Since these comments, after much deliberation deciding upon which explanation is least humiliating, Chiles has revealed that he is indeed a long-term sufferer of chronic haemorrhoids.

"I had a few official warnings during my time at ITV telling me that I had to slow down and be more serious and calculated with my presentation" says Chiles in an exclusive emotional interview with Sky News.

"I thought I could manage it, you know, mind over matter, so that by the end of the World Cup I would have redeemed by reputation". He had a heroic determination to triumph over any obstacle that would come his way. Despite this spirited attitude, the haemorrhoids escalated out of control and Chiles had trouble keeping them in check. 

"During ad breaks I kept trying to rub coconut oil up my bumhole and pushing them back, but it didn't work; I was powerless to them", whimpered Chiles. Throughout the interview which took place at his office at BBC Radio 5Live, Chiles, overwrought with emotion, struggled to project his words, perhaps reflecting on the possibilities of a haemorrhoid-free life.

Presenting on 5live has given Chiles a new lease of life, as his audience of listeners are unable to witness him shuffling and agitatedly touching his bum. Unfortunately Chiles will never fully recover from this affliction. The haemorrhoids have spread to his brain and as a result, Chiles now has the permanent mindset of a sore arse.

This rectal news coincidentally comes in the same week as the news that a Shropshire man who, whilst performing a self-colonoscopy, sucked his head out his own arse due to mistakenly making the machine too powerful. He must now live the rest of his life inside out. Chiles was made aware of this but ended the interview abruptly in a distressed mental state before being able to discuss this story.

Since this interview, Chiles has refused to comment any further and questioned why everybody is so interested.

A Never-Ending Tirade of Shock is Required to Sustain Benevolent Engagement

Each year the festive period evokes benevolence stemming from the guilt-edged realization of being happier than thousands of other members of society. Christmas is only one of many sentimental avenues of eliciting momentary charitable response. Despite the cynicism I struggle to veer away from, I do think this is a positive thing. However nice enough as it is to know that people show concern, the effectiveness of how these concerns are addressed is questionable.

Unfortunately, it seems the direction in which to aim this guilt-induced temporary selflessness is steered through a cascade of overstated images and false-truths. Emotion levels must reach levels of disingenuousness similar to that of a resentful conniving teenage girl beaming “hiyaaaa” through excruciatingly grimaced hateful gritted teeth.

The present in an unrelenting cycle of short-term good-spirited but ultimately unavailing charitable deeds, recycled at times of mass-public shock. Social media both fuels and exacerbates these reactionary emotional responses through myriad short-lived campaigns. This works because somehow people exhibit the same level of shock at the newly-discovered ‘popular’ societal discrepancy as they did at the last. It is this recurring abrupt mental trauma that fires people into a conveyor belt of panicked emotional non-responses.

Go no further than the annual sentiment attack by John Lewis. A reminder of the loneliness a neo-liberal neglect of public service funding brings, but with strong felt levels of sentiment that make you feel it is your fault. John Lewis is of course far from the forefront of disproportionate business spending, but I’m sure John Lewis chairman Charlie Mayfield could use both his influence and recent 3% pay-rise to better effect than most could. But scapegoating one individual is unfair, and more importantly has sidetracked me from the less serious satirical narrative.

People cannot simply be informed of loneliness in the elderly community. Instead they must see an old man in solitude stranded on the moon with his head dropped staring at the ground like an upset toddler. Overblown banality of Coldplayian levels. It is interesting how people can interpret metaphors yet are unable to understand simply being told.

If it is not excessive metaphors being implemented, another technique often used by adverts is presenting a series of upsetting images whilst a slow version of an otherwise uplifting song. It is not enough to be upset at the facts. People notice sadness when it is presented in the more familiar framework of entertainment as opposed to reality, and so adverts become dramatized to the point where it is like a sad scene in a movie. Reality must be trivialized because on its own it is not quite engaging enough. To comprehend which emotion we should feel it is made starkly overt through superfluous juxtaposition.

An alternative mode of persuasiveness by advertising campaigns is simply lying. Logical scientific facts, no matter how ominous, are dismissed by the general public with blind ignorance. The most patent example of this is combating climate change. Nobody is interested when the true consequences are highlighted, but eyelids begin furiously batting in front of tears of inattentive melodrama when presented with the image of a polar bear helplessly drifting away from its home on a tiny iceberg. Polar bears can swim. Lies are necessary in convincing people to care about issues which are equally as threatening without the lies. Sentiment is the catalyst of provoking interest.

Before long we will be subject to sea-level rise campaigns depicting a conglomeration of jungle animals clinging for dear life on canopy treetops, anxiously peering down in trepidation at hungry sharks with wide-open jaws showing glimpses animal carcass between their teeth, evoking tears of family reminiscence in the animals. Or an anti-deforestation campaign involving a lonely tree weeping, surrounded by hundreds of its dying friends in a lake of blood-red sap.

Clearly it is good to care even if it is jumping on a bandwagon, as any level of care will help someone somewhere. But the immediately obvious question to ask yourself is – What issues have actually been resolved through these randomly hyped charitable acts once the initial frenzy fades to boredom? Even those once completely emotionally-gripped by the John Lewis advert even bore of it a week later as the advert declines into an incoherent fragmented shorter version. Yes, it is easy to moan and be cynical, but I like to, and its justified, so I will.

I do believe with the sincerest non-sarcastic fuck I can muster that people are ultimately caring and compassionate. People just bore easily. It takes no more than “look over there, this problem is also happening” and we are gone. What people best respond to is short-term panic. The solution must therefore be to implement a sustained paradoxical long-term short-term goodwill agenda of panic.

"Chicken Kievs Have Ruined My Life"

When given the opportunity to indulge in food, chicken kievs are seldom people’s first choice. For most people they do not even come into consideration.

But for lonely 54 year old Gary Cubicle it is a completely different story. “I’ve lost all my friends” he quivers, in a tear-jerking interview on ITV2’s new hit show ‘Humiliated Lmaooosers xxxD’, airing this upcoming Monday.

ITV has come under heavy criticism for the show, which has been accused of bullying the most vulnerable and mentally unstable members of society but chief commissioner Adam Crozier disagrees with this viewpoint.

“By giving these freaks an outlet which they didn’t have before, we are providing a platform for them to be able to justify their actions”. He added that “if people are laughing at these losers then that is purely coincidental and something which lies completely out of my control”.

This week’s show follows 54 year old Gary Cubicle, a former medical student of the highly reputable Durham University. Gary has since fallen subject of an unrelenting downward spiral in his life; A spiral caused by over-consumption of chicken kievs.

According to recent studies, chicken kiev addiction affects 0.000000001% of the world population. Some people feel the effects more than others depending on personal levels of willpower, restraint and common sense. Leading psychotherapist Dr Adrian Turbulence suggests that “some people are able to resist their urges, unlike with Gary’s case, who has allowed his urges to completely to take over his life”.

With a promising career in medicine ahead for Gary Cubicle, all looked well during his early life, averaging well over 80% following his third year at Durham University. Nor he or anybody else could have anticipated the impending adverse turn that Cubicle’s life was set to take after having his first chicken kiev.

Given his extensive medical background, many feel that Cubicle should have been more informed of the dangers that chicken kievs posed. However as is often the case with addiction, it began as a bit of harmless fun.

“It was something to look forward to” says Cubicle in the upcoming documentary, whist eating Kiev crumbs from a soulless dirty plate. A plate once probably vibrant and beaming with energy, but has slowly dulled over a lifetime of neglect and lack of variety.

In the past Gary had always enjoyed luxury foreign foods. They made him feel cultured, with every bite assisting him towards global enlightenment. Notable favourites of his included Dr Oetker Pizza’s, Haagen Dazs and Spaghetti Hoops. But none of these had taken him to the extremes of consumption that chicken kievs have. A cultural step too far perhaps.

Now at the height of his problem, Cubicle goes to draconian lengths with his Kiev routines. March 2002 was the last time he last drank water, which has since been substituted with drinking pint after pint of cold garlic butter.

Rarely does Cubicle sanitise. On the rare occasion that he does wash, it is with an old mouldy flannel saturated with chicken juice and garlic butter.

Instead of wearing shoes or socks, he slices off the extreme ends of two extra-large chicken kievs and uses this to cover his feet.

One occasion when old school-friend Kev came to visit and console him, Cubicle began to start calling him “Kiev”. Initially Kev believed that Cubicle was merely mispronouncing his name, but quickly realised the scale of the problem when Cubicle covered Kev in garlic butter and tried to put him in the oven. Kev escaped unharmed.

When going to bed, Cubicle always sleeps with at least one chicken kiev under his pillow, believing that the ‘chicken kiev fairy’ will one day come supplying a mountain of chicken kievs.

The distinct scent of cheap garlicy chicken emanating from him and his home can be smelled from over 50 metres away. Micro-economics of the immediate area have suffered as a result of this, with property prices falling sharply since Crucible moved into his new home. A move which occurred last year after being forced to leave his old home after offending local vegans. A petition to expel Cubicle from his new home has already been put forward.

Cubicle’s behaviours have become so far removed from conventional societal etiquette that communication is now almost impossible.

“All I can think about are chicken kievs” says Cubicle. “It is difficult to show my face in my own neighbourhood knowing that nobody wants me here. Nobody even tries to sympathise”. He states that he has tried to enlighten people but that he is always greeted with the same dismissive response – “why don’t you just stop eating chicken kievs? They’re not even good”.

One of his closest university friends, Bruce Frogspawn, said that he deeply regrets not doing more to help at the start of the addiction. He told us exclusively, “It sounds like such a cliché, but I should have noticed it was becoming a problem and stopped him eating Chicken Kievs before it was too late”.

Frogspawn went on to reminisce about a time at the supermarket. “I could tell from the moment I mentioned going shopping that there was only one thing on his mind. As soon as we got in the shop he seemed like a completely different person, separated from reality almost. I would say things but you could tell they were not registering in his mind”. Since then the problem has only escalated and Frogspawn says that just wants his old friend back.

But others are not as sympathetic. Ever-outraged local Paul Armpit forcefully stated, “I work hard and pay my taxes. My hard-earned money is being taken from me and used to buy chicken kievs for muppets like this.”

The most recent heart-breaking moment involved an ultimatum presented by his family, in which Cubicle was told that “it is either us, or the kievs”. He chose the latter.

Shamed Shopkeeper Jailed for Involvement in Illegal Crisp Trade

Newsagent owner, 41 year old Martin Leopold, touted a criminal genius and tactical mastermind by the local media, has today been jailed for ten years for involvement in illegal crisp-based business strategy. If not for a particularly observant, shrewd customer, Leopold would still be roaming the streets.

Leopold was today arrested for cunningly selling individual packets of crisps separately which were of multipack origin. After days of planning and complex mathematical algorithms, he realised that buying multipacks of crisps is actually cheaper than if you were to buy your crisps on a packet-by-packet basis.

Cheaper crisps are not noticeable to the untrained eye, but customers who originally shopped at other stores began buying from Leopold, rival stores losing out as a result.

“I had no idea why I started buying my crisps form Martin instead of Tesco or Asda”, stated concerned local shop-goer, Todd Phillips. He added “I was completely unaware that my brain had been manipulated by an evil genius. You have to be careful out there these days”.

To the regular person, multipacks are nothing more than a bag filled with other bags. But to Martin Leopold they were an important part of an intricately crafted illegal business model, built upon stealing sales from unknowing nearby crisp-outlets.

But Leopold’s plans were scuppered early on Thursday evening. On the search for Pork Scratchings and Frazzles, recently nicknamed local hero “Hawk-Eye Bernard” (Bernard Williams), had his original intentions disappear and instead shifting towards something ground-breaking. Once Bernard realised what was happening, he had to double-take as he could not believe what he was seeing.

“As soon as I saw the prices I knew it was too good to be true, I knew something wasn’t right.” When the penny finally dropped, he realised something had to be done. Hawk-Eye Bernard rushed out of the store to find mobile signal that had evaded him inside the shop, and frantically began to phone the police.

In a distressed and sweaty state, Bernard found it difficult to concentrate. “Everything went blurry”, said Hawk-Eye Bernard, “I couldn’t see the numbers I was typing and my hands were too sweaty to grip my phone”.

Fortunately a passer-by who wishes to remain anonymous saw Bernard in distress and came to his, and ultimately the whole town’s rescue. This local was able to compose Bernard, who then managed to dial correctly. The police arrived at the scene sharply, cordoning off the immediate area.

When asked if Bernard was feeling particularly vigilant on the day he replied, “I always knew I had 20/20 vision, but I was never fully aware of what I am capable of until now”.

The initial police raid struggled to locate the crime that Bernard had spotted, a testament of Leopold’s astute felonious strategy. But after a more thorough investigation it was picked up on, and it quickly became apparent that the crime was even worse than first feared. Over ten crisp brands originally intended for multipack sale were being helplessly subjected to this ordeal.

And it did not stop at crisps. Sources have just now reported that myriad items, including biscuits, sweets and drinks have also been playing a key role in infiltrating the subconscious of the immediate public, drawing them away from other nearby stores with cheaper prices.

Barbara, 50, said that she could not believe the level of crime that was going on in her neighbourhood. “If these atrocities are committed right in front of our faces, just imagine what these criminals are getting up to in secret”.

Another local resident, Helen, 84, is too scared to even leave the house.

One outraged local, Paul Armpit, exclaimed “I have lived in this country all my life and I pay my taxes. I deserve to have my voice heard because I pay my taxes. I work nine-to-five, five days a week for my hard-earned living which is stolen away from me by these taxes which are going straight to thieving, greedy shop owners selling me illegal crisps.”

Others such as local academic, Terrance Fungus-Mould, however have a more liberal view towards these revelations. “Personally I believe that selling multipack crisps individually is a from of artistic expression”, said Terrance. “It is fighting the system in the face of adversity. Pioneers like this should be admired”.

When interrogated, Leopold admitted to all the alleged charges and is now safely locked away, unable to exercise his deceptive plans on the general public anymore. His jail sentence has in the past hour been extended to twelve years, as video footage has emerged of him stealing slices of ‘Bernard Matthews turkey-ham’ from Morrisons.