For TV and Radio presenter Adrian Chiles, 49, days as an ITV football pundit were subject to widespread criticism and formal complaints. Many critics suggested that he needed a kick up the arse to force an improvement in his presenting abilities. However, it has since transpired that this may have been the worst possible remedy.
"Fidgety"... Chiles' relentless mumbling and inability to formulate any clear opinion concisely played a crucial role in tarnishing his TV reputation. He could not sit still. Recent scientific studies provided new insights into explaining as to why Chiles exhibited discomfort in front of camera.
American proctologist, Butt Ulcer, 62, of the University of Michigan, suggested in February that Chiles' body language during this period was synonymous to that of people or animals suffering with haemorrhoids.
"The fast-paced flippant wittering of Chiles suggests that he was in a great deal of discomfort" suggests Ulcer. "He could not focus on one point for too long, resulting in a hurried and seemingly impertinent demeanour which people are not used to seeing from TV personalities."
Since these comments, after much deliberation deciding upon which explanation is least humiliating, Chiles has revealed that he is indeed a long-term sufferer of chronic haemorrhoids.
"I had a few official warnings during my time at ITV telling me that I had to slow down and be more serious and calculated with my presentation" says Chiles in an exclusive emotional interview with Sky News.
"I thought I could manage it, you know, mind over matter, so that by the end of the World Cup I would have redeemed by reputation". He had a heroic determination to triumph over any obstacle that would come his way. Despite this spirited attitude, the haemorrhoids escalated out of control and Chiles had trouble keeping them in check.
"I thought I could manage it, you know, mind over matter, so that by the end of the World Cup I would have redeemed by reputation". He had a heroic determination to triumph over any obstacle that would come his way. Despite this spirited attitude, the haemorrhoids escalated out of control and Chiles had trouble keeping them in check.
"During ad breaks I kept trying to rub coconut oil up my bumhole and pushing them back, but it didn't work; I was powerless to them", whimpered Chiles. Throughout the interview which took place at his office at BBC Radio 5Live, Chiles, overwrought with emotion, struggled to project his words, perhaps reflecting on the possibilities of a haemorrhoid-free life.
Presenting on 5live has given Chiles a new lease of life, as his audience of listeners are unable to witness him shuffling and agitatedly touching his bum. Unfortunately Chiles will never fully recover from this affliction. The haemorrhoids have spread to his brain and as a result, Chiles now has the permanent mindset of a sore arse.
This rectal news coincidentally comes in the same week as the news that a Shropshire man who, whilst performing a self-colonoscopy, sucked his head out his own arse due to mistakenly making the machine too powerful. He must now live the rest of his life inside out. Chiles was made aware of this but ended the interview abruptly in a distressed mental state before being able to discuss this story.
Since this interview, Chiles has refused to comment any further and questioned why everybody is so interested.
No comments:
Post a Comment