Sunday 29 November 2015

"Chicken Kievs Have Ruined My Life"

When given the opportunity to indulge in food, chicken kievs are seldom people’s first choice. For most people they do not even come into consideration.

But for lonely 54 year old Gary Cubicle it is a completely different story. “I’ve lost all my friends” he quivers, in a tear-jerking interview on ITV2’s new hit show ‘Humiliated Lmaooosers xxxD’, airing this upcoming Monday.

ITV has come under heavy criticism for the show, which has been accused of bullying the most vulnerable and mentally unstable members of society but chief commissioner Adam Crozier disagrees with this viewpoint.

“By giving these freaks an outlet which they didn’t have before, we are providing a platform for them to be able to justify their actions”. He added that “if people are laughing at these losers then that is purely coincidental and something which lies completely out of my control”.

This week’s show follows 54 year old Gary Cubicle, a former medical student of the highly reputable Durham University. Gary has since fallen subject of an unrelenting downward spiral in his life; A spiral caused by over-consumption of chicken kievs.

According to recent studies, chicken kiev addiction affects 0.000000001% of the world population. Some people feel the effects more than others depending on personal levels of willpower, restraint and common sense. Leading psychotherapist Dr Adrian Turbulence suggests that “some people are able to resist their urges, unlike with Gary’s case, who has allowed his urges to completely to take over his life”.

With a promising career in medicine ahead for Gary Cubicle, all looked well during his early life, averaging well over 80% following his third year at Durham University. Nor he or anybody else could have anticipated the impending adverse turn that Cubicle’s life was set to take after having his first chicken kiev.

Given his extensive medical background, many feel that Cubicle should have been more informed of the dangers that chicken kievs posed. However as is often the case with addiction, it began as a bit of harmless fun.

“It was something to look forward to” says Cubicle in the upcoming documentary, whist eating Kiev crumbs from a soulless dirty plate. A plate once probably vibrant and beaming with energy, but has slowly dulled over a lifetime of neglect and lack of variety.

In the past Gary had always enjoyed luxury foreign foods. They made him feel cultured, with every bite assisting him towards global enlightenment. Notable favourites of his included Dr Oetker Pizza’s, Haagen Dazs and Spaghetti Hoops. But none of these had taken him to the extremes of consumption that chicken kievs have. A cultural step too far perhaps.

Now at the height of his problem, Cubicle goes to draconian lengths with his Kiev routines. March 2002 was the last time he last drank water, which has since been substituted with drinking pint after pint of cold garlic butter.

Rarely does Cubicle sanitise. On the rare occasion that he does wash, it is with an old mouldy flannel saturated with chicken juice and garlic butter.

Instead of wearing shoes or socks, he slices off the extreme ends of two extra-large chicken kievs and uses this to cover his feet.

One occasion when old school-friend Kev came to visit and console him, Cubicle began to start calling him “Kiev”. Initially Kev believed that Cubicle was merely mispronouncing his name, but quickly realised the scale of the problem when Cubicle covered Kev in garlic butter and tried to put him in the oven. Kev escaped unharmed.

When going to bed, Cubicle always sleeps with at least one chicken kiev under his pillow, believing that the ‘chicken kiev fairy’ will one day come supplying a mountain of chicken kievs.

The distinct scent of cheap garlicy chicken emanating from him and his home can be smelled from over 50 metres away. Micro-economics of the immediate area have suffered as a result of this, with property prices falling sharply since Crucible moved into his new home. A move which occurred last year after being forced to leave his old home after offending local vegans. A petition to expel Cubicle from his new home has already been put forward.

Cubicle’s behaviours have become so far removed from conventional societal etiquette that communication is now almost impossible.

“All I can think about are chicken kievs” says Cubicle. “It is difficult to show my face in my own neighbourhood knowing that nobody wants me here. Nobody even tries to sympathise”. He states that he has tried to enlighten people but that he is always greeted with the same dismissive response – “why don’t you just stop eating chicken kievs? They’re not even good”.

One of his closest university friends, Bruce Frogspawn, said that he deeply regrets not doing more to help at the start of the addiction. He told us exclusively, “It sounds like such a cliché, but I should have noticed it was becoming a problem and stopped him eating Chicken Kievs before it was too late”.

Frogspawn went on to reminisce about a time at the supermarket. “I could tell from the moment I mentioned going shopping that there was only one thing on his mind. As soon as we got in the shop he seemed like a completely different person, separated from reality almost. I would say things but you could tell they were not registering in his mind”. Since then the problem has only escalated and Frogspawn says that just wants his old friend back.

But others are not as sympathetic. Ever-outraged local Paul Armpit forcefully stated, “I work hard and pay my taxes. My hard-earned money is being taken from me and used to buy chicken kievs for muppets like this.”

The most recent heart-breaking moment involved an ultimatum presented by his family, in which Cubicle was told that “it is either us, or the kievs”. He chose the latter.

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