Shamed Shopkeeper Jailed for Involvement in Illegal Crisp Trade

Newsagent owner, 41 year old Martin Leopold, touted a criminal genius and tactical mastermind by the local media, has today been jailed for ten years for involvement in illegal crisp-based business strategy. If not for a particularly observant, shrewd customer, Leopold would still be roaming the streets.

Leopold was today arrested for cunningly selling individual packets of crisps separately which were of multipack origin. After days of planning and complex mathematical algorithms, he realised that buying multipacks of crisps is actually cheaper than if you were to buy your crisps on a packet-by-packet basis.

Cheaper crisps are not noticeable to the untrained eye, but customers who originally shopped at other stores began buying from Leopold, rival stores losing out as a result.

“I had no idea why I started buying my crisps form Martin instead of Tesco or Asda”, stated concerned local shop-goer, Todd Phillips. He added “I was completely unaware that my brain had been manipulated by an evil genius. You have to be careful out there these days”.

To the regular person, multipacks are nothing more than a bag filled with other bags. But to Martin Leopold they were an important part of an intricately crafted illegal business model, built upon stealing sales from unknowing nearby crisp-outlets.

But Leopold’s plans were scuppered early on Thursday evening. On the search for Pork Scratchings and Frazzles, recently nicknamed local hero “Hawk-Eye Bernard” (Bernard Williams), had his original intentions disappear and instead shifting towards something ground-breaking. Once Bernard realised what was happening, he had to double-take as he could not believe what he was seeing.

“As soon as I saw the prices I knew it was too good to be true, I knew something wasn’t right.” When the penny finally dropped, he realised something had to be done. Hawk-Eye Bernard rushed out of the store to find mobile signal that had evaded him inside the shop, and frantically began to phone the police.

In a distressed and sweaty state, Bernard found it difficult to concentrate. “Everything went blurry”, said Hawk-Eye Bernard, “I couldn’t see the numbers I was typing and my hands were too sweaty to grip my phone”.

Fortunately a passer-by who wishes to remain anonymous saw Bernard in distress and came to his, and ultimately the whole town’s rescue. This local was able to compose Bernard, who then managed to dial correctly. The police arrived at the scene sharply, cordoning off the immediate area.

When asked if Bernard was feeling particularly vigilant on the day he replied, “I always knew I had 20/20 vision, but I was never fully aware of what I am capable of until now”.

The initial police raid struggled to locate the crime that Bernard had spotted, a testament of Leopold’s astute felonious strategy. But after a more thorough investigation it was picked up on, and it quickly became apparent that the crime was even worse than first feared. Over ten crisp brands originally intended for multipack sale were being helplessly subjected to this ordeal.

And it did not stop at crisps. Sources have just now reported that myriad items, including biscuits, sweets and drinks have also been playing a key role in infiltrating the subconscious of the immediate public, drawing them away from other nearby stores with cheaper prices.

Barbara, 50, said that she could not believe the level of crime that was going on in her neighbourhood. “If these atrocities are committed right in front of our faces, just imagine what these criminals are getting up to in secret”.

Another local resident, Helen, 84, is too scared to even leave the house.

One outraged local, Paul Armpit, exclaimed “I have lived in this country all my life and I pay my taxes. I deserve to have my voice heard because I pay my taxes. I work nine-to-five, five days a week for my hard-earned living which is stolen away from me by these taxes which are going straight to thieving, greedy shop owners selling me illegal crisps.”

Others such as local academic, Terrance Fungus-Mould, however have a more liberal view towards these revelations. “Personally I believe that selling multipack crisps individually is a from of artistic expression”, said Terrance. “It is fighting the system in the face of adversity. Pioneers like this should be admired”.

When interrogated, Leopold admitted to all the alleged charges and is now safely locked away, unable to exercise his deceptive plans on the general public anymore. His jail sentence has in the past hour been extended to twelve years, as video footage has emerged of him stealing slices of ‘Bernard Matthews turkey-ham’ from Morrisons.