In Conversation with Humphrey Ebelthite

Q: Humphrey, it is an honour and a privilege to sit with you today. I’ll just get stuck in straight away. How would you describe the importance of poetry?

H: “Poetry, to me, is a diet. Feed your brain with nourishing vocabulary and you will feel it smiling. Too many people are consuming fast-food words, and their brains are desperately weeping. People who taste my words always tell me how vitalised they feel after only a few days of absorbing my literary offspring.”

Q: You mention a nourishing vocabulary. How do you ensure that your work contains such nourishment?

H: “As a deeply philosophical thinker, inspiration strikes in many ways. One particularly organic technique is to, after a warm bath, exist in the nude, hold my cat’s face, and intensely stare into its delicate feline eyes for hours on end. Cats are incredibly reflective and analytical beings. I am fortunate in that I can understand the non-human feelings which cat’s project. A different perspective on life, if you will.”

A Cat’s Perspective:
The room, it is larger than usual,
Or is size relative?
And I, a cat, feel smaller in comparative terms.
Although the world is larger, much larger to us,
We cease to forget the way home.
Spatial awareness, o’ spatial awareness, for you I thank the Sphynx.
Oh why, Oh why, Oh why, Can I…
Navigate so gracefully,
Beauty lies in elegance,
Reward me with your catnip.


Q: Clearly you feel a connection with spiritual forces, particularly with animals. Has spirituality inspired you in any other ways relating to your work?

H: “I once had an incredibly intimate experience with the pure air around me and I just had to share my discoveries. No truth is shed truer than truth shed through the purity of air. If you have a gift, you must share it. Insight the people. I am fortunate to have a gift and an outlet in which I can share my gifts to the world.”

The All Seeing:
Standing naked,
Awakened,
Exposed to the nature,
My trust with the air is a trust I put faith in,
The air,
It is crisp,
Speak to me air,
Tell me the truths politicians don’t dare,
Gift to me knowledge you all seeing gas,
“Hello it is I”, Oh hello air, at last.
And at one with the air I was drowned in its truths,
And with you I share truths you don’t hear in the news,
Dogs are robotic,
And magnets not real,
Its illusion which gives off that pressurised feel,
Invisible wires connect all of our phones,
Trees are the fossils of alien bones,
We can breathe underwater, You can smell global warming,
And brains convert music from plain pencil drawings,
The whitening agent in toothpaste is paint,
All people on Earth are originally gay,
And at death will you be faced with a fall or ascension,
Afterlife fate…
Is it hell?
Is it heaven?
What determines this fate is important to learn,
Its how kindly you treat all the wasps, slugs and worms.
And now it is time,
To bid you goodbye,
You now know the truths,
You now know the lies.
I will leave you, my friends, with one final mention,
Jellyfish…
Are the live streams of souls…
From a different dimension.

Q: Eye opening stuff. With such spiritual abilities, do you ever feel yourself disconnected with other people who don’t have these gifts?

H: “My good friend and fellow poet, Archibald Percival-Fry, told me of the importance of remaining grounded and humble, and to provide a message for the everyday people. Bathing is known to all, and whether or not they are aware of it, all people in baths are connecting with an unknown entity. Nobody truly understands water, but at that moment, the water Gods are caressing our vulnerable bodies, delicately licking every crevice. It’s a truly heavenly experience. But sometimes there is a level of difficulty in achieving such bliss, this is the message I convey in my poem ‘The Hot Bath’. It is a poem which, as well as working on many levels, also hits home hard in terms of relatability.”

The Hot Bath:
My foot dips into the searing water,
Hesitant. Grimaced. Steamy. Damp.
Taken aback, I recoil in anguish,
But with strength, undeterred, I stand up tall,
Take one deep breath, take two steps back,
I put back on the colder tap.


Q: Are there any other things day to day connections which you feel with the general public?

H: “Fashion is important. I whole-heartedly believe in hats. Do not underestimate their power. I will live and die by that statement. A hat can encompass many emotions, many of which the human brain cannot understand. You feel the unknown power of a hat resonating when you converse with a hat-wearer first hand. You feel it hit you; It’s a powerful thing. Hats consolidate thoughts through applying a confining pressure around your head. One day I hope to dedicate a poem to hats, but as of yet, no words have given them justice their glory deserves.”

Q: When you see such complication in ordinary things, are you ever able to enjoy simplicity?

H: “Rarely. But I do sometimes manage. Christmas is a simple day. I personally share mine with my shared soul, Arabella Smythe. The simplicity of the day is conveyed in the simplicity of my poem, 'Christmas'. But I still shrewdly manage to encompass an unexpected quirk.”

Christmas:
At this time of year it’s merry and festive,
Christmas is here, crack out the digestives!
The weather is cold, and a little but murky,
But still all is good, now let’s eat that Turkey.

Q: Final question now, and it is with consideration of your most recent poem, ‘Going to the Shops’. Is this an attempt to enter the political realm?

A: “Politics invisibly governs through concept of thought alone. Does politics exist? I don’t think so. Show me some evidence. I’ve never seen it. I believe in culture, and politics is culture which has been tampered with and bottled, and we are all passively drinking the juice. And what becomes of this? A consumer culture destined for doom. This is the essence of ‘Going to the Shops’. I hope that one day, the term ‘going to the shops’ will become a metaphor for a downwards spiral, thanks to me.”


Going to the Shops:
Going to the shops,
Going to the shops,
Cash card, cash card, going to the shops.
We’re going to the shops,
We’re going to the shops,
There’s other people shopping too, they’re also at the shops.
Shops shops shops,
Shops shops shops,
Build some more then go in them,
Shops shops shops.

Rooney Reflects (Press Conference)

Journalist: "Wayne, you've now had some time to reflect on the recent tabloid reports concerning yourself. What are your thoughts on the matter?"

...

“The way I see it is... Life is filled with hard times and I personally have had many hard times.”

Although these hard times were admittedly hard, if it wasn’t for these hard times, I wouldn’t be able to reflect on the hard times and feel much harder for it, as I do now.”

“Its hard to think that hard times will come again, bringing hard experiences”

“But as I’ve already hardened, I now own the knowledge that future hardship will harden me further.”

“I have learnt that when times are hard, those hard times will soon be over.”

“Hard times are temporary; all times aren’t hard.”

“I stay strong. I stay hard.”

Last Chance Saloon for Les Dennis

After a long period of disappointment, Les Dennis fans will be hoping that his new ITV gameshow, “How Far is Your House from the Station?”, will rejuvenate the career of the Celebrity Masterchef and Celebrity Big Brother runner-up. Dennis, 62, has recently fallen short as the front man of numerous TV flops, with many wondering as to where and how he finds funding for his shows.

Running out of ideas?

 

As well as scathing reviews and poor viewing figures, Dennis' recent shows have attracted unwanted controversy. “Les Finds Love”, a low-budget dating show broadcast on Bravo 2, landed Dennis in the most trouble of all. The premise of the show was based solely on its title. It entailed Les Dennis playing a matchmaker role in finding love for single lesbians. With Dennis having no previous experience in either the matchmaking industry or the lesbian community, and with the premise being belittled by a homophobic pun, mass public opinion was strongly adverse towards Dennis. It was a distinct low point.

Homophobia aside, contestants of the show even grew tired of Dennis after his meagre matchmaking success rate. During the show, contestant Cindy Helmets did not hold back her lack of faith in the host, asking “why would we take relationship advice from a C-list celebrity whose wife cheated on him with Bob the Builder?”.

The move towards making “Les Finds Love” could not have come at a worse time, as Dennis had already been in trouble over a recent ITV 2 channel show titled “Les Been”. “Les Been” involved Les Dennis travelling to various places across the Merseyside region, interviewing locals and getting involved in local events. Although the show made no reference whatsoever to its homophobic title, it was generally agreed upon that purely naming a show in this manner portrays a great deal of impertinence and an overall lack of respect.

Upset Dennis must reflect on and learn from past mistakes

“I have no idea why he persisted with this whole Les/Lesbian gag”, says long-term Les Dennis critic, Frasier Pyramid-Bag. “It keeps landing him in trouble, and it’s not as if it’s even remotely clever in any way. Completely not worth it”.

After offending large numbers of the lesbian community, Dennis finally abandoned the Les/Lesbian gag, replacing it with another gag; this time based on the notion that “Les” sounds somewhat similar to “Let’s”. A move in the right direction perhaps.


Below is a full list of Dennis’ recent unsuccessful ventures:

Stiffen that Dynamism – A gameshow based entirely around stopping objects from moving

Les Tennis - Les Dennis, coached by British number 7, Colin Fleming, embarks on a career in tennis, with the ultimate aim of qualifying for Wimbledon

Disguise and Amaze with Les Dennis - A hidden camera show in which Dennis dresses in disguise whilst talking to members of the general public, before eventually revealing his true identity (this backfired as most people failed to recognise him)

Scrupulous – A gameshow based on day-to day routines, in which contestants competed against each other in tasks such as cleaning, car parking and putting the bins out

The Best Dennis - Les goes on a journey through history to definitively determine which Dennis is the best Dennis

Les Get Real - An attempt at a serious political panel show discussing current affairs

Les Dennis Gets Lost – Les Dennis purposefully gets lost and has to try and find his way back home

Les Dennis Off the Rails – Les Dennis sees how far he can travel on trains without paying for a ticket

Dapper and Dennis on the Pull – With the guidance of Dapper Laughs, Les Dennis tests his flirting abilities on various nights out across the UK


We asked self-proclaimed TV enthusiast, Macaulay Binbag, about Dennis' recent shows. “Disguise and Amaze, yeah I vaguely remember that. It was very cringey.”, says Binbag with a sour wince. Binbag added that he “remembers an in-studio section of the show called 'Whes Dennis?' where Les Dennis hid somewhere and contestants had to find him. It was obviously supposed to be ‘Where’s Dennis’ but Where’s and Wes don’t sound enough alike, so they had to force it. Terrible idea. Whes isn’t even a bloody word. Desperate.”

Others on the other hand are less cynical. The ever-outraged Paul Armpit defends Les, stating that “British TV nowadays is full of immigrants”, before adding that it is unfair that “British TV legends like Les Dennis can’t even get a look-in”.

After the failure of Dennis’ most recent show, Les Dennis Gets Lost, Dennis found himself lost in a much realer sense. Dennis has been visiting the Liverpool Jobcentre on High Street, seeking jobs in TV-hosting. Regular High Street jobseeker, Dave Radius, was particularly star stuck when seeing Dennis enter the Jobcentre for the first time. “I loved family fortunes so you can imagine my excitement when Les walked in through that door!”, exclaimed Radius.

More recently, rumours about Dennis’ state of mind have circulated viciously. “I saw him in Iceland buying some crispy pancakes”, says local shopper, Gordon Organ. “It was very sad to see. The way he bought those pancakes, it was like he’d given up on life”, he added.

“I heard that he struggles for any high so much, that for a small adrenaline rush, he sometimes puts his hand out for a bus but then doesn’t get on”, says Liverpool resident, Morgan Spacebar.

Whes it all gone wrong?

Listed below are the other most commonly accounted Les Dennis rumours:

- He flosses his teeth with guitar strings

- He has been spotted stealing bread from, and shouting expletives at ducks in his local park, making children cry in the process.

- He tests himself to see how long he can go for without urinating, until the point where he eventually wees in his pants

- He writes on slices of ham, addressing them to local schools and posts them. He then goes into the schools demanding that they give him back his ham. The children are reported to be terrified of him.

Dennis’ 2008 autobiography, titled “Must the Show Go On?”, indicated that even he knew his time in the limelight had come to an end. But all is not yet lost for Dennis, who has been handed a lifeline by ITV, who have granted Dennis an outlet for his new gameshow, “How Far is Your House from the Station?”, which he hopes will be a crucial turning point in his career.

“How Far is Your House from the Station?” is a geographical gameshow, in which contestants will compete against one another based on how far they live from various stations (Train, Bus, Fire, etc.). At the start of each round, Dennis enthusiastically shouts, “Will you win that prize vacation? Well how far’s your house, from the station?”. The audience frequently accompany Dennis in shouting the latter half of his newly adopted catchphrase.

Fellow TV personalities, Sam and Mark, have been given a section of the show titled “Inside the Station with Sam and Mark”. In this segment of the show, the affable duo will visit a different station each week, getting to know the staff, as well as the general ins and outs of station life. The pair’s smash hit, “With a Little Help from My Friends” plays in the background throughout this section of the show.

Sam and Mark also hoping that this show will provide a long-term steady future in TV

Dennis says that he is “excited to start the new show” and adds that he “can see a long future for himself in presenting it”. “HFIYHFTS” will air on ITV2 at 1pm every weekday. 

FOOTBALL FAST

 "Hello and welcome to Football Fast. Over to you Craig." 

 "Thanks Jeff. Liverpool beat Tottenham 2-1 yesterday. Some say against the run of play, but its up for debate." 

 "Thanks Craig. Here's the league table." 

 "...That was the league table. Over to Gary for the match previews." 

 "Man Utd are playing Southampton today before Sunderland entertain Man City. Big points up for grabs." 

 "Thanks Gary. Now, Marouane Fellaini has landed himself in trouble after controversy involving him elbowing opponent players. What are your views Jamie?" 

 "I think he definitely does it on purpose and he should be punished" 

 "Thanks Jamie. What about you Mick?" 

 "I think its accidental" 

 "Thanks Mick." 

 "Quiz time now. Who was top goalscorer in the championship last season? Get your texts in, lines close in 3, 2, 1. The answer is Andre Gray. Over to Charlotte with goals of the week." 

 "The best goals were by Aguero, Defoe and Payet. Back to you Jeff." 

 "GOODBYE." 

Non-Committal Norbert

Tabloid Ear Epidemic

Shut up and stop thinking. Disengage. Now re-engage; start again. But sit down, shut up and listen.

A threatening medical epidemic, named Tabloid Ear, has surged to unprecedented levels in recent years. Although Tabloid Ear is not a completely new phenomenon, its impact has never been so widespread.

Sufferers of Tabloid Ear not only have a more gullible frontal cortex, but actually do not even hear any utterance of truth at all. An explanation of the mechanics of Tabloid Ear is shown in the animation below. Under this condition, a person’s ‘Spasmic Resonance Duct’ becomes defective, preventing all useful information from reaching the brain. More elaborate, well-structured arguments, rather than entering the brain, enter the digestive system. In simplistic terms, Tabloid Ear victims can only hear facile information.

The origins of Tabloid Ear stem from “Tabloid Eye”, a similar complication regarding the processing of information. Those with Tabloid Ear also suffer from Tabloid Eye. Sufferers of Tabloid Eye have long graced the Earth, and are physically only able to see short, overly-simplistic forms of printed text. Recently however, the problem has grown in complexity and has escalated to the point of impairing not only sight, but hearing too. People are simply becoming tuned out of useful information frequencies. A new paradigm of media manipulation has begun.

Rising criticism of the NHS and political events such as Brexit lend themselves largely to this rise in Tabloid Ear. We interviewed a series of Tabloid Ear victims regarding the UK healthcare system. Annabelle Intestine, a 34-year-old from Derby, has had ocular problems of late. “The NHS is terrible now because of these immigrant doctors” claims Intestine. “I went because my eyes hurt, and I was told that they were infected. So I went home and bleached them, but I don’t know what he [the doctor] was on about because they’re way worse now. Bring back British Doctors.”

Another disgruntled sufferer, Richard Diculous, also has issues with the healthcare system. “Last time I went to the dentist she told me I had sensitive teeth. Now my teeth are even more timid after such humiliation. Why would she say that right in front of them?”. Diculous added that it was “a disgrace” and that he isn’t being racist but that “these people just don’t understand our culture.”

In some cases, Tabloid Ear can lead to extreme behaviour. Misplaced resentment and anger has caused serious physical injury to some Tabloid Ear sufferers, such as 48-year-old Ian Sledgehammer. “They wouldn’t see me at the doctors fast enough because of all these bloody EU regulations, so to get seen to quicker, I stuck my leg in a vending machine and snapped it”, explains Sledgehammer. At the moment in this interview in which Sledgehammer announced that “The EU made me break my own leg”, a problem became clear. The epidemic is reaching such an extent that Tabloid Ear victims are beginning to attribute irrelevant scarring events, such as the aforementioned, to tabloid information, only exacerbating their misdirected resentment.

You have to acknowledge that views such as these, often based on a vain sense of national pride, that although clearly illogical, are not their fault. One must be understanding and sympathise with the fact that they suffer cognitive impairment derived from their Tabloid Ear.

To cure a person of Tabloid Ear, one must visit an otolaryngologist. Sadly, the sheer complexity of the word ‘otolaryngologist’ means that sufferers of Tabloid Ear simply do not understand who they must visit to receive help. Even sufferers who do manage to reach the otolaryngologist struggle, as they fail to compute the majority of the given medical advice.

In almost all cases, those with Tabloid Ear are completely unaware of their disorder. So to help a victim, contact your local GP on their behalf. The GP will then refer the client to Earhab, where professional fully-trained holistic ear therapists will begin the long road to recovery. These professionals will perform a range of tasks, including:

- Massaging clients Eustachian tubes with a state of the art, bespoke cotton bud (this allows removing of auricular impurities)
- Delicately whispering some sense into their ears at a low-set tone
- Fanning air, fresh from difficult academic literature, directly into the client’s ears
- A range of specialist world treatment techniques including Rwandan Ear Rubbing

Every day the number of Tabloid Ear sufferer’s increases. The implications of this affliction can be disastrous, both physically and ideologically, putting all of society at risk of feeling the repercussions. If you know of anyone with Tabloid Ear, please assist in helping them get their mind back on course. The future of our country is at stake.

Adrian Piles?!?!!?!!!

For TV and Radio presenter Adrian Chiles, 49, days as an ITV football pundit were subject to widespread criticism and formal complaints. Many critics suggested that he needed a kick up the arse to force an improvement in his presenting abilities. However, it has since transpired that this may have been the worst possible remedy.

"Fidgety"... Chiles' relentless mumbling and inability to formulate any clear opinion concisely played a crucial role in tarnishing his TV reputation. He could not sit still. Recent scientific studies provided new insights into explaining as to why Chiles exhibited discomfort in front of camera. 

American proctologist, Butt Ulcer, 62, of the University of Michigan, suggested in February that Chiles' body language during this period was synonymous to that of people or animals suffering with haemorrhoids. 

"The fast-paced flippant wittering of Chiles suggests that he was in a great deal of discomfort" suggests Ulcer. "He could not focus on one point for too long, resulting in a hurried and seemingly impertinent demeanour which people are not used to seeing from TV personalities."

Since these comments, after much deliberation deciding upon which explanation is least humiliating, Chiles has revealed that he is indeed a long-term sufferer of chronic haemorrhoids.

"I had a few official warnings during my time at ITV telling me that I had to slow down and be more serious and calculated with my presentation" says Chiles in an exclusive emotional interview with Sky News.

"I thought I could manage it, you know, mind over matter, so that by the end of the World Cup I would have redeemed by reputation". He had a heroic determination to triumph over any obstacle that would come his way. Despite this spirited attitude, the haemorrhoids escalated out of control and Chiles had trouble keeping them in check. 

"During ad breaks I kept trying to rub coconut oil up my bumhole and pushing them back, but it didn't work; I was powerless to them", whimpered Chiles. Throughout the interview which took place at his office at BBC Radio 5Live, Chiles, overwrought with emotion, struggled to project his words, perhaps reflecting on the possibilities of a haemorrhoid-free life.

Presenting on 5live has given Chiles a new lease of life, as his audience of listeners are unable to witness him shuffling and agitatedly touching his bum. Unfortunately Chiles will never fully recover from this affliction. The haemorrhoids have spread to his brain and as a result, Chiles now has the permanent mindset of a sore arse.

This rectal news coincidentally comes in the same week as the news that a Shropshire man who, whilst performing a self-colonoscopy, sucked his head out his own arse due to mistakenly making the machine too powerful. He must now live the rest of his life inside out. Chiles was made aware of this but ended the interview abruptly in a distressed mental state before being able to discuss this story.

Since this interview, Chiles has refused to comment any further and questioned why everybody is so interested.