A Never-Ending Tirade of Shock is Required to Sustain Benevolent Engagement

Each year the festive period evokes benevolence stemming from the guilt-edged realization of being happier than thousands of other members of society. Christmas is only one of many sentimental avenues of eliciting momentary charitable response. Despite the cynicism I struggle to veer away from, I do think this is a positive thing. However nice enough as it is to know that people show concern, the effectiveness of how these concerns are addressed is questionable.

Unfortunately, it seems the direction in which to aim this guilt-induced temporary selflessness is steered through a cascade of overstated images and false-truths. Emotion levels must reach levels of disingenuousness similar to that of a resentful conniving teenage girl beaming “hiyaaaa” through excruciatingly grimaced hateful gritted teeth.

The present in an unrelenting cycle of short-term good-spirited but ultimately unavailing charitable deeds, recycled at times of mass-public shock. Social media both fuels and exacerbates these reactionary emotional responses through myriad short-lived campaigns. This works because somehow people exhibit the same level of shock at the newly-discovered ‘popular’ societal discrepancy as they did at the last. It is this recurring abrupt mental trauma that fires people into a conveyor belt of panicked emotional non-responses.

Go no further than the annual sentiment attack by John Lewis. A reminder of the loneliness a neo-liberal neglect of public service funding brings, but with strong felt levels of sentiment that make you feel it is your fault. John Lewis is of course far from the forefront of disproportionate business spending, but I’m sure John Lewis chairman Charlie Mayfield could use both his influence and recent 3% pay-rise to better effect than most could. But scapegoating one individual is unfair, and more importantly has sidetracked me from the less serious satirical narrative.

People cannot simply be informed of loneliness in the elderly community. Instead they must see an old man in solitude stranded on the moon with his head dropped staring at the ground like an upset toddler. Overblown banality of Coldplayian levels. It is interesting how people can interpret metaphors yet are unable to understand simply being told.

If it is not excessive metaphors being implemented, another technique often used by adverts is presenting a series of upsetting images whilst a slow version of an otherwise uplifting song. It is not enough to be upset at the facts. People notice sadness when it is presented in the more familiar framework of entertainment as opposed to reality, and so adverts become dramatized to the point where it is like a sad scene in a movie. Reality must be trivialized because on its own it is not quite engaging enough. To comprehend which emotion we should feel it is made starkly overt through superfluous juxtaposition.

An alternative mode of persuasiveness by advertising campaigns is simply lying. Logical scientific facts, no matter how ominous, are dismissed by the general public with blind ignorance. The most patent example of this is combating climate change. Nobody is interested when the true consequences are highlighted, but eyelids begin furiously batting in front of tears of inattentive melodrama when presented with the image of a polar bear helplessly drifting away from its home on a tiny iceberg. Polar bears can swim. Lies are necessary in convincing people to care about issues which are equally as threatening without the lies. Sentiment is the catalyst of provoking interest.

Before long we will be subject to sea-level rise campaigns depicting a conglomeration of jungle animals clinging for dear life on canopy treetops, anxiously peering down in trepidation at hungry sharks with wide-open jaws showing glimpses animal carcass between their teeth, evoking tears of family reminiscence in the animals. Or an anti-deforestation campaign involving a lonely tree weeping, surrounded by hundreds of its dying friends in a lake of blood-red sap.

Clearly it is good to care even if it is jumping on a bandwagon, as any level of care will help someone somewhere. But the immediately obvious question to ask yourself is – What issues have actually been resolved through these randomly hyped charitable acts once the initial frenzy fades to boredom? Even those once completely emotionally-gripped by the John Lewis advert even bore of it a week later as the advert declines into an incoherent fragmented shorter version. Yes, it is easy to moan and be cynical, but I like to, and its justified, so I will.

I do believe with the sincerest non-sarcastic fuck I can muster that people are ultimately caring and compassionate. People just bore easily. It takes no more than “look over there, this problem is also happening” and we are gone. What people best respond to is short-term panic. The solution must therefore be to implement a sustained paradoxical long-term short-term goodwill agenda of panic.

"Chicken Kievs Have Ruined My Life"

When given the opportunity to indulge in food, chicken kievs are seldom people’s first choice. For most people they do not even come into consideration.

But for lonely 54 year old Gary Cubicle it is a completely different story. “I’ve lost all my friends” he quivers, in a tear-jerking interview on ITV2’s new hit show ‘Humiliated Lmaooosers xxxD’, airing this upcoming Monday.

ITV has come under heavy criticism for the show, which has been accused of bullying the most vulnerable and mentally unstable members of society but chief commissioner Adam Crozier disagrees with this viewpoint.

“By giving these freaks an outlet which they didn’t have before, we are providing a platform for them to be able to justify their actions”. He added that “if people are laughing at these losers then that is purely coincidental and something which lies completely out of my control”.

This week’s show follows 54 year old Gary Cubicle, a former medical student of the highly reputable Durham University. Gary has since fallen subject of an unrelenting downward spiral in his life; A spiral caused by over-consumption of chicken kievs.

According to recent studies, chicken kiev addiction affects 0.000000001% of the world population. Some people feel the effects more than others depending on personal levels of willpower, restraint and common sense. Leading psychotherapist Dr Adrian Turbulence suggests that “some people are able to resist their urges, unlike with Gary’s case, who has allowed his urges to completely to take over his life”.

With a promising career in medicine ahead for Gary Cubicle, all looked well during his early life, averaging well over 80% following his third year at Durham University. Nor he or anybody else could have anticipated the impending adverse turn that Cubicle’s life was set to take after having his first chicken kiev.

Given his extensive medical background, many feel that Cubicle should have been more informed of the dangers that chicken kievs posed. However as is often the case with addiction, it began as a bit of harmless fun.

“It was something to look forward to” says Cubicle in the upcoming documentary, whist eating Kiev crumbs from a soulless dirty plate. A plate once probably vibrant and beaming with energy, but has slowly dulled over a lifetime of neglect and lack of variety.

In the past Gary had always enjoyed luxury foreign foods. They made him feel cultured, with every bite assisting him towards global enlightenment. Notable favourites of his included Dr Oetker Pizza’s, Haagen Dazs and Spaghetti Hoops. But none of these had taken him to the extremes of consumption that chicken kievs have. A cultural step too far perhaps.

Now at the height of his problem, Cubicle goes to draconian lengths with his Kiev routines. March 2002 was the last time he last drank water, which has since been substituted with drinking pint after pint of cold garlic butter.

Rarely does Cubicle sanitise. On the rare occasion that he does wash, it is with an old mouldy flannel saturated with chicken juice and garlic butter.

Instead of wearing shoes or socks, he slices off the extreme ends of two extra-large chicken kievs and uses this to cover his feet.

One occasion when old school-friend Kev came to visit and console him, Cubicle began to start calling him “Kiev”. Initially Kev believed that Cubicle was merely mispronouncing his name, but quickly realised the scale of the problem when Cubicle covered Kev in garlic butter and tried to put him in the oven. Kev escaped unharmed.

When going to bed, Cubicle always sleeps with at least one chicken kiev under his pillow, believing that the ‘chicken kiev fairy’ will one day come supplying a mountain of chicken kievs.

The distinct scent of cheap garlicy chicken emanating from him and his home can be smelled from over 50 metres away. Micro-economics of the immediate area have suffered as a result of this, with property prices falling sharply since Crucible moved into his new home. A move which occurred last year after being forced to leave his old home after offending local vegans. A petition to expel Cubicle from his new home has already been put forward.

Cubicle’s behaviours have become so far removed from conventional societal etiquette that communication is now almost impossible.

“All I can think about are chicken kievs” says Cubicle. “It is difficult to show my face in my own neighbourhood knowing that nobody wants me here. Nobody even tries to sympathise”. He states that he has tried to enlighten people but that he is always greeted with the same dismissive response – “why don’t you just stop eating chicken kievs? They’re not even good”.

One of his closest university friends, Bruce Frogspawn, said that he deeply regrets not doing more to help at the start of the addiction. He told us exclusively, “It sounds like such a cliché, but I should have noticed it was becoming a problem and stopped him eating Chicken Kievs before it was too late”.

Frogspawn went on to reminisce about a time at the supermarket. “I could tell from the moment I mentioned going shopping that there was only one thing on his mind. As soon as we got in the shop he seemed like a completely different person, separated from reality almost. I would say things but you could tell they were not registering in his mind”. Since then the problem has only escalated and Frogspawn says that just wants his old friend back.

But others are not as sympathetic. Ever-outraged local Paul Armpit forcefully stated, “I work hard and pay my taxes. My hard-earned money is being taken from me and used to buy chicken kievs for muppets like this.”

The most recent heart-breaking moment involved an ultimatum presented by his family, in which Cubicle was told that “it is either us, or the kievs”. He chose the latter.

Shamed Shopkeeper Jailed for Involvement in Illegal Crisp Trade

Newsagent owner, 41 year old Martin Leopold, touted a criminal genius and tactical mastermind by the local media, has today been jailed for ten years for involvement in illegal crisp-based business strategy. If not for a particularly observant, shrewd customer, Leopold would still be roaming the streets.

Leopold was today arrested for cunningly selling individual packets of crisps separately which were of multipack origin. After days of planning and complex mathematical algorithms, he realised that buying multipacks of crisps is actually cheaper than if you were to buy your crisps on a packet-by-packet basis.

Cheaper crisps are not noticeable to the untrained eye, but customers who originally shopped at other stores began buying from Leopold, rival stores losing out as a result.

“I had no idea why I started buying my crisps form Martin instead of Tesco or Asda”, stated concerned local shop-goer, Todd Phillips. He added “I was completely unaware that my brain had been manipulated by an evil genius. You have to be careful out there these days”.

To the regular person, multipacks are nothing more than a bag filled with other bags. But to Martin Leopold they were an important part of an intricately crafted illegal business model, built upon stealing sales from unknowing nearby crisp-outlets.

But Leopold’s plans were scuppered early on Thursday evening. On the search for Pork Scratchings and Frazzles, recently nicknamed local hero “Hawk-Eye Bernard” (Bernard Williams), had his original intentions disappear and instead shifting towards something ground-breaking. Once Bernard realised what was happening, he had to double-take as he could not believe what he was seeing.

“As soon as I saw the prices I knew it was too good to be true, I knew something wasn’t right.” When the penny finally dropped, he realised something had to be done. Hawk-Eye Bernard rushed out of the store to find mobile signal that had evaded him inside the shop, and frantically began to phone the police.

In a distressed and sweaty state, Bernard found it difficult to concentrate. “Everything went blurry”, said Hawk-Eye Bernard, “I couldn’t see the numbers I was typing and my hands were too sweaty to grip my phone”.

Fortunately a passer-by who wishes to remain anonymous saw Bernard in distress and came to his, and ultimately the whole town’s rescue. This local was able to compose Bernard, who then managed to dial correctly. The police arrived at the scene sharply, cordoning off the immediate area.

When asked if Bernard was feeling particularly vigilant on the day he replied, “I always knew I had 20/20 vision, but I was never fully aware of what I am capable of until now”.

The initial police raid struggled to locate the crime that Bernard had spotted, a testament of Leopold’s astute felonious strategy. But after a more thorough investigation it was picked up on, and it quickly became apparent that the crime was even worse than first feared. Over ten crisp brands originally intended for multipack sale were being helplessly subjected to this ordeal.

And it did not stop at crisps. Sources have just now reported that myriad items, including biscuits, sweets and drinks have also been playing a key role in infiltrating the subconscious of the immediate public, drawing them away from other nearby stores with cheaper prices.

Barbara, 50, said that she could not believe the level of crime that was going on in her neighbourhood. “If these atrocities are committed right in front of our faces, just imagine what these criminals are getting up to in secret”.

Another local resident, Helen, 84, is too scared to even leave the house.

One outraged local, Paul Armpit, exclaimed “I have lived in this country all my life and I pay my taxes. I deserve to have my voice heard because I pay my taxes. I work nine-to-five, five days a week for my hard-earned living which is stolen away from me by these taxes which are going straight to thieving, greedy shop owners selling me illegal crisps.”

Others such as local academic, Terrance Fungus-Mould, however have a more liberal view towards these revelations. “Personally I believe that selling multipack crisps individually is a from of artistic expression”, said Terrance. “It is fighting the system in the face of adversity. Pioneers like this should be admired”.

When interrogated, Leopold admitted to all the alleged charges and is now safely locked away, unable to exercise his deceptive plans on the general public anymore. His jail sentence has in the past hour been extended to twelve years, as video footage has emerged of him stealing slices of ‘Bernard Matthews turkey-ham’ from Morrisons.