Plight of the Ambidextrous Sleeper

The fluent ability of both hands is seldom considered a negative. Ambidextrous writers are typically seen swaggering down various streets; nonchalance exuding from their sanctimonious style of momentum. But far from the life of self-righteous ambidexterity we are used to seeing, the ambidextrousness of sleep is an ambidexterity which causes great difficulty to many lives.

Ambidextrous Sleeping Disorder (ASD) causes those affected to, during sleep, be subjected to random bodily movements. The disorder was officially discovered in 1928 by neuroscientist Winston Lungs, although unofficial recordings of the disorder date back much further. In the cult classic, The Bible, Jesus Christ famously alluded to his night time struggles. “Is my mind deceiving me? For my sunrise perspective differs from that of the fading gaze of weary slumber”.

His influence remains prominent; Could Jesus guide the way for Ambidextrous Sleepers?

Winston Lungs was repeatedly questioned of his use of the word ‘ambidextrous’, a term which, if used correctly, relates to those who are both right and left handed. High profile scientists including Henry Parsnips, Elizabeth Woodworm and Alberto Humdinger, offered a range of alternative names for the affliction (as listed below). All pleas however, fell on ignorant ears, and Lungs stubbornly proceeded with his inadequately coined expression.

Rejected terminology included:
- Bipolar Rotational Bed Paralysis
- Pillow Animosity
- Dichotomous Dreamstate
- Inverted Slumber Gyration
- Headboard Defiance
- Dysfunctional Subconscious Cerebral Polar Switch
- Counter Inertia
- Narcoleptic Apolarity
- Mattress Negativism
- Duvet Head

At face value this condition may seem trivial, but in spending time with sufferers, it does not take much time to realise the full extent of this harrowing disorder. "It’s terrible", says ASD sufferer Nick Blood, 23. "I go to bed every night, only to wake up at 3am the wrong way around, and with no comfortable pillow under my head", before adding that "I have to wash my pillow cases slightly more often than most people".

Another sufferer, Grant Plasma, 58, recalls one particularly haunting moment, “It was a Sunday night, at about quarter to eleven. I had all my clothes ready for the start of the week, everything seemed to be going well”, explains Plasma. “I went to bed, nice and relaxed, but then out of nowhere, I cut myself on a sharp shard of toenail which had been waiting for me on my pillow from the night before. It was such a shock. I still remember the moment as if it were yesterday.”

But much like the beds occupied by the afflicted, there is more than one side to this story. Sandy Backstabber, wife of ASD sufferer Reece Splice, explains “I consider myself a very liberal person, but my husband’s sleeping is starting to make me think that freedom should have its limits”.

Backstabber, 38, has fallen victim to facial verrucae on multiple occasions, and it seems Splice, 42, is fully aware of the situation. "My wife is starting to resent me” he says. “The other night she woke up with my foot in her mouth. I fear for our marriage."

“Gut-wrenchingly sad”. These the words of ASD sufferer, Aaron Crevices, 25, alluding to the everyday ill informed marginalisation of ASD sufferers. Ambidextrous Sleepers are often misunderstood for being ambidextrous writers; people think they are showing off. “It makes me really upset when open up about these difficult issues with somebody you trust, and they proceed to tell you to stop showing off”, proclaims Crevices.

In attempting to alleviate the effects of ASD, most sufferers will recount stories of purposefully going to bed the wrong way around. These attempts however are sadly in vain, as the stochastic nature of the disorder means it is not a simple issue of 180-degree rotation. Any degree of unconscious movement can occur.

Medical advancements are minimal in this field; with the major mitigation process being magnetism. Under this process, a patient has magnets implanted into one’s head, as well as into a nominated pillow. Although successfully preventing night time bodily movement, this method means that throughout the day, metal objects fly unexpectedly into the heads of the patients, causing embarrassment and physical pain.

Some sufferers pay for bespoke beds. These beds are designed at the perfect angle to deter, what is usually 180-degree bodily movement, whilst satisfying minimum frictional requirements as to avoid complete removal of the person from said bed.

Sadly, hope of further advancements from these basic mitigation techniques has been dealt a significant blow by cuts to ASD research, stemming from the recent budget announcement. The cuts to ASD are due to prioritisation of afflictions deemed “more serious” by Phillip Hammond; a man in a constant state of confusion onset by the taste of his own tongue. Perhaps a distraction which clouds his sense of moral judgement?

Fierce opposition from ASD campaigners leaves Phillip Hammond (pictured) with a sour taste in the mouth

The most notable campaigner for Ambidextrous Sleeper support is, ‘ASD’ sufferer himself, Antony Worrall Thompson. “It’s typical of this country to have our services largely determined by somebody who is bemused by the taste of his own mouth. Even if his mouth does taste weird, it doesn’t justify the thousands of people who, as we speak, are being pelted in the head by metallic objects". Thompson added that he would be happy to supply Hammond with strong tasting food to help him focus.

In response to limited medical funding, an online attempt to help information of the disorder reach the public domain has been initiated by indulgent compassion addict and grief-seeking narcissist, Bono. Bono has supplied funding for ASD-themed automated bots to target ASD sceptics on social media. Despite these efforts, this has only worsened the animosity towards ASD sufferers, as people are irked by Bono’s ceaseless attempts to force himself into their lives.

Bono sporting shades to raise awareness of the cause, stating "my sight is being hampered, just like ASD research is."

The plight of the ambidextrous sleeper goes on, and the end is far from sight. England international footballer and ASD awareness raiser Eric Dier, also suffers from the disorder. For Dier though, there are further complications. Because his face has 65% of the biomolecular makeup of a human foot, at peak times, he is still only sleeping at 13/20ths of the right side of the bed. This causes morning disorientation due to confusion of the parietal lobe. Dier hopes that one day research will be advanced enough to cure him, but at present, even basic techniques face a multitude of problems.

Dandelion and Burdock FC: A New Era of Marketing?

Chairman of soft drink manufacturer A.G. Barr, Ronnie Hanna, has a bold vision for the future of one its most iconic beverages. Dandelion and Burdock, a drink with origins dating back to 1265 when St. Thomas Aquinas founded the drink after wisdom from God, may be about to see an unexpected revival in popularity. Hanna, a man of strong business acumen, is set to deploy an untried marketing method in the Dandelion and Burdock sector; The creation of a football team.

The team is to be aptly named, Dandelion and Burdock FC, and will be situated in Cumbernauld, Scotland, hometown of Barr headquarters. Fans of current Cumbernauld team, Clyde FC, strongly oppose the idea of the new corporate club in their town. But Hanna has rubbished these concerns, suggesting that such animosity “can only be a good thing, as it shows that a fierce local derby is already on the cards”.

The move to creating the football team stems from recent poor sales figures. Ronnie Hanna is hopeful that this team will be the catalyst for future commercial success. "The meteoric rise of other corporate teams such as Hashtag FC has made us at Barr think, that is where we could be a few years down the line", said Hanna in a recent interview. He went on to say, “We at Barr think that Dandelion and Burdock is due its day in the sun”, before adding, “but don’t actually put Dandelion and Burdock in the sun. That would be detrimental to your Dandelion and Burdock experience.”

Many of the club traditions (listed below in the team’s trial application form) involve the use of, or presence of dandelions, which could prove problematic throughout much of the football season. The UK football calendar runs from August to May, whereas dandelion season famously spans from May to October. Critics of Dandelion and Burdock FC are sceptical as to how some of the newly manufactured club ‘traditions’ will be able to operate between November and April.

In the face of these critics Ronnie Hanna remains calm. He has spoken of using state-of-the-art biotechnology, which will be utilised for new dandelion farming techniques.



(Listed below is the projected club overview for Dandelion and Burdock FC.)

(Further below is the advertisement for applicants wanting to trial for the team.)




____________________________________________________________________________

Club Overview:

Name: Dandelion and Burdock FC
Coach: Mr Dan D. Lion
Mascot: Burdock Martin (A human-sized Burdock which wears Doc Martins)

Rough draft of Burdock Martin (without inclusion of his infamous Doc Martins)

Kit:
- Floral patterned shirts
- Yellow shorts
- Actual dandelions used as shoelaces

Founded: 1265
This date is inaccurate in terms of actual team formation, nonetheless it is set to be used on the crest, as it is when Dandelion and Burdock was first concocted. The FA and A.G. Barr are in dispute over the legality of the use of this date.

Chairman: St. Thomas Aquinas (RIP)
The official chairman will be Ronnie Hanna, but as a mark of respect, inventor of Dandelion and Burdock, St. Thomas Aquinas, has been honoured as the spiritual chairman of the club.

St. Thomas Aquinas: Saint of Dandelion and Burdock

____________________________________________________________________________


Trial for Dandelion and Burdock FC today!!!


DO YOU…
- Like playing football on moist, high-nitrogen soils?
- Enjoy the taste of dandelion and burdock?

…Well if so, sign up for trials today at Dandelion and Burdock FC!


From playing football, to drinking dandelion and burdock, you’ll do it all...
- Play football
- Drink Dandelion and Burdock
…The possibilities are endless!!


The Perks
- See our bespoke goal nets, weaved by arctium lappa experts, entirely out of burdock
- Drink Dandelion and Burdock with teammates before, during and after the match!
- Pray to our famous dandelion-covered St. Thomas Aquinas shrine
- Farm your own dandelion and burdock on the pitch-side allotment
- There’s even a traditional dandelion seed blowing after every goal!



Contact the Club directly at taraxacum.officinale@gmail.com

In Conversation with Humphrey Ebelthite

Q: Humphrey, it is an honour and a privilege to sit with you today. I’ll just get stuck in straight away. How would you describe the importance of poetry?

H: “Poetry, to me, is a diet. Feed your brain with nourishing vocabulary and you will feel it smiling. Too many people are consuming fast-food words, and their brains are desperately weeping. People who taste my words always tell me how vitalised they feel after only a few days of absorbing my literary offspring.”

Q: You mention a nourishing vocabulary. How do you ensure that your work contains such nourishment?

H: “As a deeply philosophical thinker, inspiration strikes in many ways. One particularly organic technique is to, after a warm bath, exist in the nude, hold my cat’s face, and intensely stare into its delicate feline eyes for hours on end. Cats are incredibly reflective and analytical beings. I am fortunate in that I can understand the non-human feelings which cat’s project. A different perspective on life, if you will.”

A Cat’s Perspective:
The room, it is larger than usual,
Or is size relative?
And I, a cat, feel smaller in comparative terms.
Although the world is larger, much larger to us,
We cease to forget the way home.
Spatial awareness, o’ spatial awareness, for you I thank the Sphynx.
Oh why, Oh why, Oh why, Can I…
Navigate so gracefully,
Beauty lies in elegance,
Reward me with your catnip.


Q: Clearly you feel a connection with spiritual forces, particularly with animals. Has spirituality inspired you in any other ways relating to your work?

H: “I once had an incredibly intimate experience with the pure air around me and I just had to share my discoveries. No truth is shed truer than truth shed through the purity of air. If you have a gift, you must share it. Insight the people. I am fortunate to have a gift and an outlet in which I can share my gifts to the world.”

The All Seeing:
Standing naked,
Awakened,
Exposed to the nature,
My trust with the air is a trust I put faith in,
The air,
It is crisp,
Speak to me air,
Tell me the truths politicians don’t dare,
Gift to me knowledge you all seeing gas,
“Hello it is I”, Oh hello air, at last.
And at one with the air I was drowned in its truths,
And with you I share truths you don’t hear in the news,
Dogs are robotic,
And magnets not real,
Its illusion which gives off that pressurised feel,
Invisible wires connect all of our phones,
Trees are the fossils of alien bones,
We can breathe underwater, You can smell global warming,
And brains convert music from plain pencil drawings,
The whitening agent in toothpaste is paint,
All people on Earth are originally gay,
And at death will you be faced with a fall or ascension,
Afterlife fate…
Is it hell?
Is it heaven?
What determines this fate is important to learn,
Its how kindly you treat all the wasps, slugs and worms.
And now it is time,
To bid you goodbye,
You now know the truths,
You now know the lies.
I will leave you, my friends, with one final mention,
Jellyfish…
Are the live streams of souls…
From a different dimension.

Q: Eye opening stuff. With such spiritual abilities, do you ever feel yourself disconnected with other people who don’t have these gifts?

H: “My good friend and fellow poet, Archibald Percival-Fry, told me of the importance of remaining grounded and humble, and to provide a message for the everyday people. Bathing is known to all, and whether or not they are aware of it, all people in baths are connecting with an unknown entity. Nobody truly understands water, but at that moment, the water Gods are caressing our vulnerable bodies, delicately licking every crevice. It’s a truly heavenly experience. But sometimes there is a level of difficulty in achieving such bliss, this is the message I convey in my poem ‘The Hot Bath’. It is a poem which, as well as working on many levels, also hits home hard in terms of relatability.”

The Hot Bath:
My foot dips into the searing water,
Hesitant. Grimaced. Steamy. Damp.
Taken aback, I recoil in anguish,
But with strength, undeterred, I stand up tall,
Take one deep breath, take two steps back,
I put back on the colder tap.


Q: Are there any other things day to day connections which you feel with the general public?

H: “Fashion is important. I whole-heartedly believe in hats. Do not underestimate their power. I will live and die by that statement. A hat can encompass many emotions, many of which the human brain cannot understand. You feel the unknown power of a hat resonating when you converse with a hat-wearer first hand. You feel it hit you; It’s a powerful thing. Hats consolidate thoughts through applying a confining pressure around your head. One day I hope to dedicate a poem to hats, but as of yet, no words have given them justice their glory deserves.”

Q: When you see such complication in ordinary things, are you ever able to enjoy simplicity?

H: “Rarely. But I do sometimes manage. Christmas is a simple day. I personally share mine with my shared soul, Arabella Smythe. The simplicity of the day is conveyed in the simplicity of my poem, 'Christmas'. But I still shrewdly manage to encompass an unexpected quirk.”

Christmas:
At this time of year it’s merry and festive,
Christmas is here, crack out the digestives!
The weather is cold, and a little but murky,
But still all is good, now let’s eat that Turkey.

Q: Final question now, and it is with consideration of your most recent poem, ‘Going to the Shops’. Is this an attempt to enter the political realm?

A: “Politics invisibly governs through concept of thought alone. Does politics exist? I don’t think so. Show me some evidence. I’ve never seen it. I believe in culture, and politics is culture which has been tampered with and bottled, and we are all passively drinking the juice. And what becomes of this? A consumer culture destined for doom. This is the essence of ‘Going to the Shops’. I hope that one day, the term ‘going to the shops’ will become a metaphor for a downwards spiral, thanks to me.”


Going to the Shops:
Going to the shops,
Going to the shops,
Cash card, cash card, going to the shops.
We’re going to the shops,
We’re going to the shops,
There’s other people shopping too, they’re also at the shops.
Shops shops shops,
Shops shops shops,
Build some more then go in them,
Shops shops shops.

Rooney Reflects (Press Conference)

Journalist: "Wayne, you've now had some time to reflect on the recent tabloid reports concerning yourself. What are your thoughts on the matter?"

...

“The way I see it is... Life is filled with hard times and I personally have had many hard times.”

Although these hard times were admittedly hard, if it wasn’t for these hard times, I wouldn’t be able to reflect on the hard times and feel much harder for it, as I do now.”

“Its hard to think that hard times will come again, bringing hard experiences”

“But as I’ve already hardened, I now own the knowledge that future hardship will harden me further.”

“I have learnt that when times are hard, those hard times will soon be over.”

“Hard times are temporary; all times aren’t hard.”

“I stay strong. I stay hard.”

Last Chance Saloon for Les Dennis

After a long period of disappointment, Les Dennis fans will be hoping that his new ITV gameshow, “How Far is Your House from the Station?”, will rejuvenate the career of the Celebrity Masterchef and Celebrity Big Brother runner-up. Dennis, 62, has recently fallen short as the front man of numerous TV flops, with many wondering as to where and how he finds funding for his shows.

Running out of ideas?

 

As well as scathing reviews and poor viewing figures, Dennis' recent shows have attracted unwanted controversy. “Les Finds Love”, a low-budget dating show broadcast on Bravo 2, landed Dennis in the most trouble of all. The premise of the show was based solely on its title. It entailed Les Dennis playing a matchmaker role in finding love for single lesbians. With Dennis having no previous experience in either the matchmaking industry or the lesbian community, and with the premise being belittled by a homophobic pun, mass public opinion was strongly adverse towards Dennis. It was a distinct low point.

Homophobia aside, contestants of the show even grew tired of Dennis after his meagre matchmaking success rate. During the show, contestant Cindy Helmets did not hold back her lack of faith in the host, asking “why would we take relationship advice from a C-list celebrity whose wife cheated on him with Bob the Builder?”.

The move towards making “Les Finds Love” could not have come at a worse time, as Dennis had already been in trouble over a recent ITV 2 channel show titled “Les Been”. “Les Been” involved Les Dennis travelling to various places across the Merseyside region, interviewing locals and getting involved in local events. Although the show made no reference whatsoever to its homophobic title, it was generally agreed upon that purely naming a show in this manner portrays a great deal of impertinence and an overall lack of respect.

Upset Dennis must reflect on and learn from past mistakes

“I have no idea why he persisted with this whole Les/Lesbian gag”, says long-term Les Dennis critic, Frasier Pyramid-Bag. “It keeps landing him in trouble, and it’s not as if it’s even remotely clever in any way. Completely not worth it”.

After offending large numbers of the lesbian community, Dennis finally abandoned the Les/Lesbian gag, replacing it with another gag; this time based on the notion that “Les” sounds somewhat similar to “Let’s”. A move in the right direction perhaps.


Below is a full list of Dennis’ recent unsuccessful ventures:

Stiffen that Dynamism – A gameshow based entirely around stopping objects from moving

Les Tennis - Les Dennis, coached by British number 7, Colin Fleming, embarks on a career in tennis, with the ultimate aim of qualifying for Wimbledon

Disguise and Amaze with Les Dennis - A hidden camera show in which Dennis dresses in disguise whilst talking to members of the general public, before eventually revealing his true identity (this backfired as most people failed to recognise him)

Scrupulous – A gameshow based on day-to day routines, in which contestants competed against each other in tasks such as cleaning, car parking and putting the bins out

The Best Dennis - Les goes on a journey through history to definitively determine which Dennis is the best Dennis

Les Get Real - An attempt at a serious political panel show discussing current affairs

Les Dennis Gets Lost – Les Dennis purposefully gets lost and has to try and find his way back home

Les Dennis Off the Rails – Les Dennis sees how far he can travel on trains without paying for a ticket

Dapper and Dennis on the Pull – With the guidance of Dapper Laughs, Les Dennis tests his flirting abilities on various nights out across the UK


We asked self-proclaimed TV enthusiast, Macaulay Binbag, about Dennis' recent shows. “Disguise and Amaze, yeah I vaguely remember that. It was very cringey.”, says Binbag with a sour wince. Binbag added that he “remembers an in-studio section of the show called 'Whes Dennis?' where Les Dennis hid somewhere and contestants had to find him. It was obviously supposed to be ‘Where’s Dennis’ but Where’s and Wes don’t sound enough alike, so they had to force it. Terrible idea. Whes isn’t even a bloody word. Desperate.”

Others on the other hand are less cynical. The ever-outraged Paul Armpit defends Les, stating that “British TV nowadays is full of immigrants”, before adding that it is unfair that “British TV legends like Les Dennis can’t even get a look-in”.

After the failure of Dennis’ most recent show, Les Dennis Gets Lost, Dennis found himself lost in a much realer sense. Dennis has been visiting the Liverpool Jobcentre on High Street, seeking jobs in TV-hosting. Regular High Street jobseeker, Dave Radius, was particularly star stuck when seeing Dennis enter the Jobcentre for the first time. “I loved family fortunes so you can imagine my excitement when Les walked in through that door!”, exclaimed Radius.

More recently, rumours about Dennis’ state of mind have circulated viciously. “I saw him in Iceland buying some crispy pancakes”, says local shopper, Gordon Organ. “It was very sad to see. The way he bought those pancakes, it was like he’d given up on life”, he added.

“I heard that he struggles for any high so much, that for a small adrenaline rush, he sometimes puts his hand out for a bus but then doesn’t get on”, says Liverpool resident, Morgan Spacebar.

Whes it all gone wrong?

Listed below are the other most commonly accounted Les Dennis rumours:

- He flosses his teeth with guitar strings

- He has been spotted stealing bread from, and shouting expletives at ducks in his local park, making children cry in the process.

- He tests himself to see how long he can go for without urinating, until the point where he eventually wees in his pants

- He writes on slices of ham, addressing them to local schools and posts them. He then goes into the schools demanding that they give him back his ham. The children are reported to be terrified of him.

Dennis’ 2008 autobiography, titled “Must the Show Go On?”, indicated that even he knew his time in the limelight had come to an end. But all is not yet lost for Dennis, who has been handed a lifeline by ITV, who have granted Dennis an outlet for his new gameshow, “How Far is Your House from the Station?”, which he hopes will be a crucial turning point in his career.

“How Far is Your House from the Station?” is a geographical gameshow, in which contestants will compete against one another based on how far they live from various stations (Train, Bus, Fire, etc.). At the start of each round, Dennis enthusiastically shouts, “Will you win that prize vacation? Well how far’s your house, from the station?”. The audience frequently accompany Dennis in shouting the latter half of his newly adopted catchphrase.

Fellow TV personalities, Sam and Mark, have been given a section of the show titled “Inside the Station with Sam and Mark”. In this segment of the show, the affable duo will visit a different station each week, getting to know the staff, as well as the general ins and outs of station life. The pair’s smash hit, “With a Little Help from My Friends” plays in the background throughout this section of the show.

Sam and Mark also hoping that this show will provide a long-term steady future in TV

Dennis says that he is “excited to start the new show” and adds that he “can see a long future for himself in presenting it”. “HFIYHFTS” will air on ITV2 at 1pm every weekday. 

FOOTBALL FAST

 "Hello and welcome to Football Fast. Over to you Craig." 

 "Thanks Jeff. Liverpool beat Tottenham 2-1 yesterday. Some say against the run of play, but its up for debate." 

 "Thanks Craig. Here's the league table." 

 "...That was the league table. Over to Gary for the match previews." 

 "Man Utd are playing Southampton today before Sunderland entertain Man City. Big points up for grabs." 

 "Thanks Gary. Now, Marouane Fellaini has landed himself in trouble after controversy involving him elbowing opponent players. What are your views Jamie?" 

 "I think he definitely does it on purpose and he should be punished" 

 "Thanks Jamie. What about you Mick?" 

 "I think its accidental" 

 "Thanks Mick." 

 "Quiz time now. Who was top goalscorer in the championship last season? Get your texts in, lines close in 3, 2, 1. The answer is Andre Gray. Over to Charlotte with goals of the week." 

 "The best goals were by Aguero, Defoe and Payet. Back to you Jeff." 

 "GOODBYE." 

Non-Committal Norbert