Desperate
times can prompt the unimaginable. One man’s grandeur is another man’s
excessive oxalate in his increasingly painful urine. It is now over two years
since the inception of the inhumane monetary trade of the kidney stone.
Kidney stones first gained demand in late 2015, when materialistic aristocrats began to see the calcium oxalate crystals as desirable. The stones had been likened to truffles and pearls. Such high importance was placed on kidney stone collections, that clandestine battery farms of forcedly dehydrated humans grew rapidly in number.
“A fast-changing volatile market”, says leading economist Ergal Panini. In late 2016, a staggering increase in production reduced aristocrat interest and duly beget a strong devaluation for the kidney stone, reducing the value to being only marginally higher than the pound (see below graph). With austerity showing no signs of abating, many economists predict that post-Brexit Britain could be on the verge of doing its weekly shop with kidney stones if the pound drops in value much further.
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| British Pound/US Dollar value compared with kidney stone value |
It was in early 2015 when suspicions of kidney stone production methods were first raised, after protocol chemical testing of Yorkshire Water reservoirs found high concentrations of calcium, sodium and chloride. It has since transpired that Yorkshire Water accepted bribes from various black-market kidney stone production syndicates.
Suspicions were confirmed when investigation of Britain’s hospitals revealed that syndicate bribe money, to spike patients with kidney stone inducing chemicals, was accepted by hospitals in financial turmoil. The investigations began after 80% of patients were leaving UK hospitals with kidney stones. “I wasn’t even a patient” says Davey Sultana, 46. “I simply went to visit my father, had a nap, and before I knew it I was being harvested for jewels.”
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| Types of kidney stones from most common (left) to least common (right) |
The
epidemic reached such levels of severity that prior to recent security
increases in nephrology departments, dead bodies had been stolen at higher
rates than ever before, for the harvesting of their stones. As well as this, prior
to the devaluation of the kidney stone, there had been cases of charlatans feigning
kidney stones, collecting money from investing shareholders, before absconding
with the investment money. This sparked a rise in gun crime from indignant
investors.
Established companies have now been indicted for involvement in the process. For those struggling for cash, purposeful alcoholic excess to induce kidney stones has been a popular financial option. This has resulted in significant profits for the alcohol industry, with some suggesting that certain companies, most notably Carling, have actively contrived a greater desire for having kidney stones. Carling vehemently deny any involvement in the funding and lobbying of kidney stone production lines. Carling’s latest TV advertising campaign depicts a family drinking Carling and indulging in a lavish Christmas dinner, after the father having recently cashed in on selling his kidney stones. Carling argue that they are simply portraying a realistic story, and that any advantage they may gain through similar circumstance is purely coincidental.
The voluntary sector has been a loud voice throughout the saga, with the pioneering charity, “You’ve Gotta Be Kidneying me?!”, leading the way. Creator, Lilyth Palooza, feels the solution is to prevent base-level social conditioning at source. “The scale of the issue is primarily down to a kind of brainwashing; People feel that the kidney stone pain is positive because of the way that semi-legal companies like ‘We Buy Any Kidney Stone’ incentivise the financial rewards”, claims Palooza. “I have met people who have not had a wee for two months, but feel ecstatic that they are sitting on a goldmine”.
Established companies have now been indicted for involvement in the process. For those struggling for cash, purposeful alcoholic excess to induce kidney stones has been a popular financial option. This has resulted in significant profits for the alcohol industry, with some suggesting that certain companies, most notably Carling, have actively contrived a greater desire for having kidney stones. Carling vehemently deny any involvement in the funding and lobbying of kidney stone production lines. Carling’s latest TV advertising campaign depicts a family drinking Carling and indulging in a lavish Christmas dinner, after the father having recently cashed in on selling his kidney stones. Carling argue that they are simply portraying a realistic story, and that any advantage they may gain through similar circumstance is purely coincidental.
The voluntary sector has been a loud voice throughout the saga, with the pioneering charity, “You’ve Gotta Be Kidneying me?!”, leading the way. Creator, Lilyth Palooza, feels the solution is to prevent base-level social conditioning at source. “The scale of the issue is primarily down to a kind of brainwashing; People feel that the kidney stone pain is positive because of the way that semi-legal companies like ‘We Buy Any Kidney Stone’ incentivise the financial rewards”, claims Palooza. “I have met people who have not had a wee for two months, but feel ecstatic that they are sitting on a goldmine”.
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The
latest advertising campaign from lead kidney stone broker, 'We Buy Any Kidney
Stone'
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If the current lack of state intervention fails to prevent a currency shift from pound sterling to kidney stone, one possible solution to the barbaric production methods could be to artificially produce kidney stones. Although this idea is only in its early stages, most economists believe that artificiality will always reduce value, meaning that biological kidney stones will remain prevalent.
