Which is worse - Tinned baked beans deliciously masticating in a homely mouth, or heroin directly injected into a cerebral cortex? Can parsnips give you a tumour the size of a large cat? Is our blood dehydrated? The answers? Not as clear as you think. New revelations show understanding as we know it to no longer be understood. A new era of understanding must be understood to understand what we misunderstood in the first place.
Food is eaten by us, we are not eaten by food. Or are we? Breakthrough research suggests that eating just two parsnips is roughly as damaging to your health as pumping your lungs full with the smoke of a burning horse cadaver. This damage has been proven by laboratory science.
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| Nobody saw this coming: 95% of food swallowed is ocularly lethal. |
Staggeringly, over 60% of those living in the UK habitually eat food, highlighting exactly how stark an epidemic this is. Consequently, over half of the UK population suffer from dehydrated blood. This duly leads to shrivelled innards, sapped of wetness like a ferociously sucked sponge.
Today marks the 300th anniversary of the very date when humans first ate food. It was on April 24th, 1717, when inventor of the fire extinguisher, Gabriel Fahrenheit, successfully digested a significant volume of corn smut. The discovery of food led to temporary immortality for homo-sapiens, but since this landmark, our knowledge has been assaulted in a heinous paradigm befuddle. History books were re-written by implacable oligarchs, determined to establish a race of institutionalised, ambivalent entities, temporally limited by the inevitable release of death. So how exactly are we masticating ourselves into a mortal stupor? Simple answer? Simple: There is no simple answer. It is the cumulative outcome of myriad, food-induced, bodily mishaps.
Bioneurogracist, Pat Flaccid, explains the dangers of lemon curd. “Lemon curd stifles regular functionalities of bodily enzymatic bacterio-fibres, causing a cavalcade of transient fat to build up in the lower fermus plume”, explains Flaccid, adding that, “this leads to fibrillation of the arterial reflex piston, due to it burning biological buttresses at 50 mopes per dulong." The human body simply cannot cope with this level of stress.
Ingestion of incorrect food also causes memories to stray from the truth. Atomic pyrrolidine, chief component of the devastating 1960s bomb, The Vakuum Knall, is found in most carrots. This inside a human brain greatly suppresses long term memory. This discovery envelopes another remarkable breakthrough: Liars aren’t bad people, they are simply unhealthy, thus failing to remember the long-term due to a rotting cerebral cortex preventing normal neurotic functions. Carrots are just one example; The below graph illustrates the overall magnitude of the epidemic.
Other cuisinal dangers include: Dangerous hormonal imbalances caused by eating sesame seeds; Oblique veins which deviate blood flow; Marzipan agitating the central testosterige gland, begetting increased racism, sexism and homophobia; Milk-induced probiotic gut gunge leading to persistent Shindler’s Cysts (explained in the below diagram). General higher blood sugar levels actually increase a person’s albedo, making them more susceptible to sunburn. On the plus side however, this would counteract albedo reductions from global snowmelt, bringing beneficial climate change implications.
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| 1. Milk builds up behind The Dolly Partitian and curdles over time, which causes a viscous drip of probiotic gut gunge
2. The probiotic gut gunge falls into the Perennial Gorth 3. If excessive amounts of probiotic gut gunge falls, an acidic reflux causes the growth of a Schindler's Cyst |
Hope was as quashed as tundral sediment, until now. Revolutionary, cutting-edge, scientific breakthroughs have offered us a spluttering of milk from the dried out udder of existence. It's a death sentence for death. It is suggested that the breakthroughs could provide the information required to again achieve immortality. Initially however, limited knowledge means that people will only be slightly immortal. Immortality is expected to increase by up to 65% by 2050.
Biologist and animal cruelty fanatic, Gary Hot-Tapp, explains some of the benefits demonstrated by animal testing. “We fed sad crabs nothing but fennel and acai berries, and they have since developed neurotic structures strikingly similar to that of Brian Blessed.” Gary also explained that “There have been tests on scorpions with erectile dysfunction, who after 30 days of the new diet, had tripled the population of the Scorpion sample.” These are just two of an infinite number of proven benefits.
So what are we safe eating? The answer is what is soon to be termed 'Real Food'. ‘Real Food’ can be defined as that which contains complex biochemical compositions, which work in perfect harmony with human bodily functions. Below is a brief section of the list of foodstuff which has scientifically-proven to be ‘real food’:
- Acai Berries
- Bitter chocolate
- Artichoke
- Houmous
- Samphire
- Turnip Pate
- Elderflower extract
- Artisan Tzatziki
- Red wine
- Fennel
Trials have been ongoing for the past 20 months, prior to the official release of these breakthroughs, and the results from participants could not be more promising. “I can’t remember the last time my memory was foggy”, says exuberant trialist, Sally Enigma. “As well as this, my visual colour spectrum is far more advanced. I’ve started being able to see sound. And I can literally read between the lines of text.”
Fellow trialist and former sufferer of Truncated Mane Syndrome, Mick Decision, has, since the trails, had a macro-scale keratin resurgence. “I was completely bald, but then I massaged some houmous on my head, occasionally sprayed on some artichoke extract, and now I literally have hair coming out of my eyes! If anything it's too much, I have to cut it three times a day”.
Further case studies include:
- A former Alzheimer's patient, Matt Emulsion, has since “ achieved full clarity”, and is even beginning to remember other people’s memories, and memories from before he was born
-91 year, Nina Plughole, had life threatening heart problem suddenly resolved and is now anticipated to live for at least another 20 years
- 41 year old, Dick Ligament, sufferer of chronic, excruciating back pain, is set to compete on 2017’s World Strongest Man
Unbeknown to regular society, those shunned to societal peripheries have already experienced these benefits and have ridden their bodies of all harmful toxins through use of ancient Tibetan healing remedies. This sub-section of society is comprised largely of vegans and artists, some of whom suggest they can taste the mileage on food, a feat yet to be achieved in official trials. “So I was eating this corn-on-the-cob and it tasted so far away. It was like it wasn’t even close to my mouth”, says 32-year old vegan, Maria Sockwash. Some of this sub-society even go as far as questioning the necessity of eating entirely, and that these medical breakthroughs are still greatly outdated. Harry Explosion, 24, states, "I can’t believe that people still eat in this day and age. I actually haven't eaten for 4 years now; I just top myself up every so often with a bit of coconut oil".
Biologist and animal cruelty fanatic, Gary Hot-Tapp, explains some of the benefits demonstrated by animal testing. “We fed sad crabs nothing but fennel and acai berries, and they have since developed neurotic structures strikingly similar to that of Brian Blessed.” Gary also explained that “There have been tests on scorpions with erectile dysfunction, who after 30 days of the new diet, had tripled the population of the Scorpion sample.” These are just two of an infinite number of proven benefits.
So what are we safe eating? The answer is what is soon to be termed 'Real Food'. ‘Real Food’ can be defined as that which contains complex biochemical compositions, which work in perfect harmony with human bodily functions. Below is a brief section of the list of foodstuff which has scientifically-proven to be ‘real food’:
- Acai Berries
- Bitter chocolate
- Artichoke
- Houmous
- Samphire
- Turnip Pate
- Elderflower extract
- Artisan Tzatziki
- Red wine
- Fennel
Trials have been ongoing for the past 20 months, prior to the official release of these breakthroughs, and the results from participants could not be more promising. “I can’t remember the last time my memory was foggy”, says exuberant trialist, Sally Enigma. “As well as this, my visual colour spectrum is far more advanced. I’ve started being able to see sound. And I can literally read between the lines of text.”
Fellow trialist and former sufferer of Truncated Mane Syndrome, Mick Decision, has, since the trails, had a macro-scale keratin resurgence. “I was completely bald, but then I massaged some houmous on my head, occasionally sprayed on some artichoke extract, and now I literally have hair coming out of my eyes! If anything it's too much, I have to cut it three times a day”.
Further case studies include:
- A former Alzheimer's patient, Matt Emulsion, has since “ achieved full clarity”, and is even beginning to remember other people’s memories, and memories from before he was born
-91 year, Nina Plughole, had life threatening heart problem suddenly resolved and is now anticipated to live for at least another 20 years
- 41 year old, Dick Ligament, sufferer of chronic, excruciating back pain, is set to compete on 2017’s World Strongest Man
Unbeknown to regular society, those shunned to societal peripheries have already experienced these benefits and have ridden their bodies of all harmful toxins through use of ancient Tibetan healing remedies. This sub-section of society is comprised largely of vegans and artists, some of whom suggest they can taste the mileage on food, a feat yet to be achieved in official trials. “So I was eating this corn-on-the-cob and it tasted so far away. It was like it wasn’t even close to my mouth”, says 32-year old vegan, Maria Sockwash. Some of this sub-society even go as far as questioning the necessity of eating entirely, and that these medical breakthroughs are still greatly outdated. Harry Explosion, 24, states, "I can’t believe that people still eat in this day and age. I actually haven't eaten for 4 years now; I just top myself up every so often with a bit of coconut oil".
Future positive outcomes are guaranteed. But with regards to specifics, the vision of the future is a dirty plate of uncertainty, offering only the disappointing taste of stale ambiguity. But what is for certain, is that everything is will change. At least 95% of what we today see as food, will be a thing of the past; The first major step involving junk food. “I see fast-food as becoming the same as smoking”, suggests leading dietetic expert, Patricia Cataclysmic, adding that “it is only a matter of time before you will be fined for eating a burger in a public space.” You can really feel the paradigm shifting.
