Plight of the Ambidextrous Sleeper

The fluent ability of both hands is seldom considered a negative. Ambidextrous writers are typically seen swaggering down various streets; nonchalance exuding from their sanctimonious style of momentum. But far from the life of self-righteous ambidexterity we are used to seeing, the ambidextrousness of sleep is an ambidexterity which causes great difficulty to many lives.

Ambidextrous Sleeping Disorder (ASD) causes those affected to, during sleep, be subjected to random bodily movements. The disorder was officially discovered in 1928 by neuroscientist Winston Lungs, although unofficial recordings of the disorder date back much further. In the cult classic, The Bible, Jesus Christ famously alluded to his night time struggles. “Is my mind deceiving me? For my sunrise perspective differs from that of the fading gaze of weary slumber”.

His influence remains prominent; Could Jesus guide the way for Ambidextrous Sleepers?

Winston Lungs was repeatedly questioned of his use of the word ‘ambidextrous’, a term which, if used correctly, relates to those who are both right and left handed. High profile scientists including Henry Parsnips, Elizabeth Woodworm and Alberto Humdinger, offered a range of alternative names for the affliction (as listed below). All pleas however, fell on ignorant ears, and Lungs stubbornly proceeded with his inadequately coined expression.

Rejected terminology included:
- Bipolar Rotational Bed Paralysis
- Pillow Animosity
- Dichotomous Dreamstate
- Inverted Slumber Gyration
- Headboard Defiance
- Dysfunctional Subconscious Cerebral Polar Switch
- Counter Inertia
- Narcoleptic Apolarity
- Mattress Negativism
- Duvet Head

At face value this condition may seem trivial, but in spending time with sufferers, it does not take much time to realise the full extent of this harrowing disorder. "It’s terrible", says ASD sufferer Nick Blood, 23. "I go to bed every night, only to wake up at 3am the wrong way around, and with no comfortable pillow under my head", before adding that "I have to wash my pillow cases slightly more often than most people".

Another sufferer, Grant Plasma, 58, recalls one particularly haunting moment, “It was a Sunday night, at about quarter to eleven. I had all my clothes ready for the start of the week, everything seemed to be going well”, explains Plasma. “I went to bed, nice and relaxed, but then out of nowhere, I cut myself on a sharp shard of toenail which had been waiting for me on my pillow from the night before. It was such a shock. I still remember the moment as if it were yesterday.”

But much like the beds occupied by the afflicted, there is more than one side to this story. Sandy Backstabber, wife of ASD sufferer Reece Splice, explains “I consider myself a very liberal person, but my husband’s sleeping is starting to make me think that freedom should have its limits”.

Backstabber, 38, has fallen victim to facial verrucae on multiple occasions, and it seems Splice, 42, is fully aware of the situation. "My wife is starting to resent me” he says. “The other night she woke up with my foot in her mouth. I fear for our marriage."

“Gut-wrenchingly sad”. These the words of ASD sufferer, Aaron Crevices, 25, alluding to the everyday ill informed marginalisation of ASD sufferers. Ambidextrous Sleepers are often misunderstood for being ambidextrous writers; people think they are showing off. “It makes me really upset when open up about these difficult issues with somebody you trust, and they proceed to tell you to stop showing off”, proclaims Crevices.

In attempting to alleviate the effects of ASD, most sufferers will recount stories of purposefully going to bed the wrong way around. These attempts however are sadly in vain, as the stochastic nature of the disorder means it is not a simple issue of 180-degree rotation. Any degree of unconscious movement can occur.

Medical advancements are minimal in this field; with the major mitigation process being magnetism. Under this process, a patient has magnets implanted into one’s head, as well as into a nominated pillow. Although successfully preventing night time bodily movement, this method means that throughout the day, metal objects fly unexpectedly into the heads of the patients, causing embarrassment and physical pain.

Some sufferers pay for bespoke beds. These beds are designed at the perfect angle to deter, what is usually 180-degree bodily movement, whilst satisfying minimum frictional requirements as to avoid complete removal of the person from said bed.

Sadly, hope of further advancements from these basic mitigation techniques has been dealt a significant blow by cuts to ASD research, stemming from the recent budget announcement. The cuts to ASD are due to prioritisation of afflictions deemed “more serious” by Phillip Hammond; a man in a constant state of confusion onset by the taste of his own tongue. Perhaps a distraction which clouds his sense of moral judgement?

Fierce opposition from ASD campaigners leaves Phillip Hammond (pictured) with a sour taste in the mouth

The most notable campaigner for Ambidextrous Sleeper support is, ‘ASD’ sufferer himself, Antony Worrall Thompson. “It’s typical of this country to have our services largely determined by somebody who is bemused by the taste of his own mouth. Even if his mouth does taste weird, it doesn’t justify the thousands of people who, as we speak, are being pelted in the head by metallic objects". Thompson added that he would be happy to supply Hammond with strong tasting food to help him focus.

In response to limited medical funding, an online attempt to help information of the disorder reach the public domain has been initiated by indulgent compassion addict and grief-seeking narcissist, Bono. Bono has supplied funding for ASD-themed automated bots to target ASD sceptics on social media. Despite these efforts, this has only worsened the animosity towards ASD sufferers, as people are irked by Bono’s ceaseless attempts to force himself into their lives.

Bono sporting shades to raise awareness of the cause, stating "my sight is being hampered, just like ASD research is."

The plight of the ambidextrous sleeper goes on, and the end is far from sight. England international footballer and ASD awareness raiser Eric Dier, also suffers from the disorder. For Dier though, there are further complications. Because his face has 65% of the biomolecular makeup of a human foot, at peak times, he is still only sleeping at 13/20ths of the right side of the bed. This causes morning disorientation due to confusion of the parietal lobe. Dier hopes that one day research will be advanced enough to cure him, but at present, even basic techniques face a multitude of problems.