You've Got to be Kidneying Me

Desperate times can prompt the unimaginable. One man’s grandeur is another man’s excessive oxalate in his increasingly painful urine. It is now over two years since the inception of the inhumane monetary trade of the kidney stone.

Kidney stones first gained demand in late 2015, when materialistic aristocrats began to see the calcium oxalate crystals as desirable. The stones had been likened to truffles and pearls. Such high importance was placed on kidney stone collections, that clandestine battery farms of forcedly dehydrated humans grew rapidly in number.

“A fast-changing volatile market”, says leading economist Ergal Panini. In late 2016, a staggering increase in production reduced aristocrat interest and duly beget a strong devaluation for the kidney stone, reducing the value to being only marginally higher than the pound (see below graph). With austerity showing no signs of abating, many economists predict that post-Brexit Britain could be on the verge of doing its weekly shop with kidney stones if the pound drops in value much further.

British Pound/US Dollar value compared with kidney stone value

It was in early 2015 when suspicions of kidney stone production methods were first raised, after protocol chemical testing of Yorkshire Water reservoirs found high concentrations of calcium, sodium and chloride. It has since transpired that Yorkshire Water accepted bribes from various black-market kidney stone production syndicates.

Suspicions were confirmed when investigation of Britain’s hospitals revealed that syndicate bribe money, to spike patients with kidney stone inducing chemicals, was accepted by hospitals in financial turmoil. The investigations began after 80% of patients were leaving UK hospitals with kidney stones. “I wasn’t even a patient” says Davey Sultana, 46. “I simply went to visit my father, had a nap, and before I knew it I was being harvested for jewels.”

Types of kidney stones from most common (left) to least common (right)

The epidemic reached such levels of severity that prior to recent security increases in nephrology departments, dead bodies had been stolen at higher rates than ever before, for the harvesting of their stones. As well as this, prior to the devaluation of the kidney stone, there had been cases of charlatans feigning kidney stones, collecting money from investing shareholders, before absconding with the investment money. This sparked a rise in gun crime from indignant investors.

Established companies have now been indicted for involvement in the process. For those struggling for cash, purposeful alcoholic excess to induce kidney stones has been a popular financial option. This has resulted in significant profits for the alcohol industry, with some suggesting that certain companies, most notably Carling, have actively contrived a greater desire for having kidney stones. Carling vehemently deny any involvement in the funding and lobbying of kidney stone production lines. Carling’s latest TV advertising campaign depicts a family drinking Carling and indulging in a lavish Christmas dinner, after the father having recently cashed in on selling his kidney stones. Carling argue that they are simply portraying a realistic story, and that any advantage they may gain through similar circumstance is purely coincidental.

The voluntary sector has been a loud voice throughout the saga, with the pioneering charity, “You’ve Gotta Be Kidneying me?!”, leading the way. Creator, Lilyth Palooza, feels the solution is to prevent base-level social conditioning at source. “The scale of the issue is primarily down to a kind of brainwashing; People feel that the kidney stone pain is positive because of the way that semi-legal companies like ‘We Buy Any Kidney Stone’ incentivise the financial rewards”, claims Palooza. “I have met people who have not had a wee for two months, but feel ecstatic that they are sitting on a goldmine”.

The latest advertising campaign from lead kidney stone broker, 'We Buy Any Kidney Stone'

If the current lack of state intervention fails to prevent a currency shift from pound sterling to kidney stone, one possible solution to the barbaric production methods could be to artificially produce kidney stones. Although this idea is only in its early stages, most economists believe that artificiality will always reduce value, meaning that biological kidney stones will remain prevalent. 

Food For Thought

Which is worse - Tinned baked beans deliciously masticating in a homely mouth, or heroin directly injected into a cerebral cortex? Can parsnips give you a tumour the size of a large cat? Is our blood dehydrated? The answers? Not as clear as you think. New revelations show understanding as we know it to no longer be understood. A new era of understanding must be understood to understand what we misunderstood in the first place.

Food is eaten by us, we are not eaten by food. Or are we? Breakthrough research suggests that eating just two parsnips is roughly as damaging to your health as pumping your lungs full with the smoke of a burning horse cadaver. This damage has been proven by laboratory science.

Nobody saw this coming: 95% of food swallowed is ocularly lethal.

Staggeringly, over 60% of those living in the UK habitually eat food, highlighting exactly how stark an epidemic this is. Consequently, over half of the UK population suffer from dehydrated blood. This duly leads to shrivelled innards, sapped of wetness like a ferociously sucked sponge.

Today marks the 300th anniversary of the very date when humans first ate food. It was on April 24th, 1717, when inventor of the fire extinguisher, Gabriel Fahrenheit, successfully digested a significant volume of corn smut. The discovery of food led to temporary immortality for homo-sapiens, but since this landmark, our knowledge has been assaulted in a heinous paradigm befuddle. History books were re-written by implacable oligarchs, determined to establish a race of institutionalised, ambivalent entities, temporally limited by the inevitable release of death. So how exactly are we masticating ourselves into a mortal stupor? Simple answer? Simple: There is no simple answer. It is the cumulative outcome of myriad, food-induced, bodily mishaps.

Bioneurogracist, Pat Flaccid, explains the dangers of lemon curd. “Lemon curd stifles regular functionalities of bodily enzymatic bacterio-fibres, causing a cavalcade of transient fat to build up in the lower fermus plume”, explains Flaccid, adding that, “this leads to fibrillation of the arterial reflex piston, due to it burning biological buttresses at 50 mopes per dulong." The human body simply cannot cope with this level of stress.

Ingestion of incorrect food also causes memories to stray from the truth. Atomic pyrrolidine, chief component of the devastating 1960s bomb, The Vakuum Knall, is found in most carrots. This inside a human brain greatly suppresses long term memory. This discovery envelopes another remarkable breakthrough: Liars aren’t bad people, they are simply unhealthy, thus failing to remember the long-term due to a rotting cerebral cortex preventing normal neurotic functions. Carrots are just one example; The below graph illustrates the overall magnitude of the epidemic.

Other cuisinal dangers include: Dangerous hormonal imbalances caused by eating sesame seeds; Oblique veins which deviate blood flow; Marzipan agitating the central testosterige gland, begetting increased racism, sexism and homophobia; Milk-induced probiotic gut gunge leading to persistent Shindler’s Cysts (explained in the below diagram). General higher blood sugar levels actually increase a person’s albedo, making them more susceptible to sunburn. On the plus side however, this would counteract albedo reductions from global snowmelt, bringing beneficial climate change implications.

1. Milk builds up behind The Dolly Partitian and curdles over time, which causes a viscous drip of probiotic gut gunge 2. The probiotic gut gunge falls into the Perennial Gorth
3. If excessive amounts of probiotic gut gunge falls, an acidic reflux causes the growth of a Schindler's Cyst

Hope was as quashed as tundral sediment, until now. Revolutionary, cutting-edge, scientific breakthroughs have offered us a spluttering of milk from the dried out udder of existence. It's a death sentence for death. It is suggested that the breakthroughs could provide the information required to again achieve immortality. Initially however, limited knowledge means that people will only be slightly immortal. Immortality is expected to increase by up to 65% by 2050.

Biologist and animal cruelty fanatic, Gary Hot-Tapp, explains some of the benefits demonstrated by animal testing. “We fed sad crabs nothing but fennel and acai berries, and they have since developed neurotic structures strikingly similar to that of Brian Blessed.” Gary also explained that “There have been tests on scorpions with erectile dysfunction, who after 30 days of the new diet, had tripled the population of the Scorpion sample.” These are just two of an infinite number of proven benefits.


So what are we safe eating? The answer is what is soon to be termed 'Real Food'. ‘Real Food’ can be defined as that which contains complex biochemical compositions, which work in perfect harmony with human bodily functions. Below is a brief section of the list of foodstuff which has scientifically-proven to be ‘real food’:
- Acai Berries
- Bitter chocolate
- Artichoke
- Houmous
- Samphire
- Turnip Pate
- Elderflower extract
- Artisan Tzatziki
- Red wine
- Fennel


Trials have been ongoing for the past 20 months, prior to the official release of these breakthroughs, and the results from participants could not be more promising. “I can’t remember the last time my memory was foggy”, says exuberant trialist, Sally Enigma. “As well as this, my visual colour spectrum is far more advanced. I’ve started being able to see sound. And I can literally read between the lines of text.”

Fellow trialist and former sufferer of Truncated Mane Syndrome, Mick Decision, has, since the trails, had a macro-scale keratin resurgence. “I was completely bald, but then I massaged some houmous on my head, occasionally sprayed on some artichoke extract, and now I literally have hair coming out of my eyes! If anything it's too much, I have to cut it three times a day”.

Further case studies include:
- A former Alzheimer's patient, Matt Emulsion, has since “ achieved full clarity”, and is even beginning to remember other people’s memories, and memories from before he was born
-91 year, Nina Plughole, had life threatening heart problem suddenly resolved and is now anticipated to live for at least another 20 years
- 41 year old, Dick Ligament, sufferer of chronic, excruciating back pain, is set to compete on 2017’s World Strongest Man


Unbeknown to regular society, those shunned to societal peripheries have already experienced these benefits and have ridden their bodies of all harmful toxins through use of ancient Tibetan healing remedies. This sub-section of society is comprised largely of vegans and artists, some of whom suggest they can taste the mileage on food, a feat yet to be achieved in official trials. “So I was eating this corn-on-the-cob and it tasted so far away. It was like it wasn’t even close to my mouth”, says 32-year old vegan, Maria Sockwash. Some of this sub-society even go as far as questioning the necessity of eating entirely, and that these medical breakthroughs are still greatly outdated. Harry Explosion, 24, states, "I can’t believe that people still eat in this day and age. I actually haven't eaten for 4 years now; I just top myself up every so often with a bit of coconut oil".

Future positive outcomes are guaranteed. But with regards to specifics, the vision of the future is a dirty plate of uncertainty, offering only the disappointing taste of stale ambiguity. But what is for certain, is that everything is will change. At least 95% of what we today see as food, will be a thing of the past; The first major step involving junk food. “I see fast-food as becoming the same as smoking”, suggests leading dietetic expert, Patricia Cataclysmic, adding that “it is only a matter of time before you will be fined for eating a burger in a public space.” You can really feel the paradigm shifting.

Plight of the Ambidextrous Sleeper

The fluent ability of both hands is seldom considered a negative. Ambidextrous writers are typically seen swaggering down various streets; nonchalance exuding from their sanctimonious style of momentum. But far from the life of self-righteous ambidexterity we are used to seeing, the ambidextrousness of sleep is an ambidexterity which causes great difficulty to many lives.

Ambidextrous Sleeping Disorder (ASD) causes those affected to, during sleep, be subjected to random bodily movements. The disorder was officially discovered in 1928 by neuroscientist Winston Lungs, although unofficial recordings of the disorder date back much further. In the cult classic, The Bible, Jesus Christ famously alluded to his night time struggles. “Is my mind deceiving me? For my sunrise perspective differs from that of the fading gaze of weary slumber”.

His influence remains prominent; Could Jesus guide the way for Ambidextrous Sleepers?

Winston Lungs was repeatedly questioned of his use of the word ‘ambidextrous’, a term which, if used correctly, relates to those who are both right and left handed. High profile scientists including Henry Parsnips, Elizabeth Woodworm and Alberto Humdinger, offered a range of alternative names for the affliction (as listed below). All pleas however, fell on ignorant ears, and Lungs stubbornly proceeded with his inadequately coined expression.

Rejected terminology included:
- Bipolar Rotational Bed Paralysis
- Pillow Animosity
- Dichotomous Dreamstate
- Inverted Slumber Gyration
- Headboard Defiance
- Dysfunctional Subconscious Cerebral Polar Switch
- Counter Inertia
- Narcoleptic Apolarity
- Mattress Negativism
- Duvet Head

At face value this condition may seem trivial, but in spending time with sufferers, it does not take much time to realise the full extent of this harrowing disorder. "It’s terrible", says ASD sufferer Nick Blood, 23. "I go to bed every night, only to wake up at 3am the wrong way around, and with no comfortable pillow under my head", before adding that "I have to wash my pillow cases slightly more often than most people".

Another sufferer, Grant Plasma, 58, recalls one particularly haunting moment, “It was a Sunday night, at about quarter to eleven. I had all my clothes ready for the start of the week, everything seemed to be going well”, explains Plasma. “I went to bed, nice and relaxed, but then out of nowhere, I cut myself on a sharp shard of toenail which had been waiting for me on my pillow from the night before. It was such a shock. I still remember the moment as if it were yesterday.”

But much like the beds occupied by the afflicted, there is more than one side to this story. Sandy Backstabber, wife of ASD sufferer Reece Splice, explains “I consider myself a very liberal person, but my husband’s sleeping is starting to make me think that freedom should have its limits”.

Backstabber, 38, has fallen victim to facial verrucae on multiple occasions, and it seems Splice, 42, is fully aware of the situation. "My wife is starting to resent me” he says. “The other night she woke up with my foot in her mouth. I fear for our marriage."

“Gut-wrenchingly sad”. These the words of ASD sufferer, Aaron Crevices, 25, alluding to the everyday ill informed marginalisation of ASD sufferers. Ambidextrous Sleepers are often misunderstood for being ambidextrous writers; people think they are showing off. “It makes me really upset when open up about these difficult issues with somebody you trust, and they proceed to tell you to stop showing off”, proclaims Crevices.

In attempting to alleviate the effects of ASD, most sufferers will recount stories of purposefully going to bed the wrong way around. These attempts however are sadly in vain, as the stochastic nature of the disorder means it is not a simple issue of 180-degree rotation. Any degree of unconscious movement can occur.

Medical advancements are minimal in this field; with the major mitigation process being magnetism. Under this process, a patient has magnets implanted into one’s head, as well as into a nominated pillow. Although successfully preventing night time bodily movement, this method means that throughout the day, metal objects fly unexpectedly into the heads of the patients, causing embarrassment and physical pain.

Some sufferers pay for bespoke beds. These beds are designed at the perfect angle to deter, what is usually 180-degree bodily movement, whilst satisfying minimum frictional requirements as to avoid complete removal of the person from said bed.

Sadly, hope of further advancements from these basic mitigation techniques has been dealt a significant blow by cuts to ASD research, stemming from the recent budget announcement. The cuts to ASD are due to prioritisation of afflictions deemed “more serious” by Phillip Hammond; a man in a constant state of confusion onset by the taste of his own tongue. Perhaps a distraction which clouds his sense of moral judgement?

Fierce opposition from ASD campaigners leaves Phillip Hammond (pictured) with a sour taste in the mouth

The most notable campaigner for Ambidextrous Sleeper support is, ‘ASD’ sufferer himself, Antony Worrall Thompson. “It’s typical of this country to have our services largely determined by somebody who is bemused by the taste of his own mouth. Even if his mouth does taste weird, it doesn’t justify the thousands of people who, as we speak, are being pelted in the head by metallic objects". Thompson added that he would be happy to supply Hammond with strong tasting food to help him focus.

In response to limited medical funding, an online attempt to help information of the disorder reach the public domain has been initiated by indulgent compassion addict and grief-seeking narcissist, Bono. Bono has supplied funding for ASD-themed automated bots to target ASD sceptics on social media. Despite these efforts, this has only worsened the animosity towards ASD sufferers, as people are irked by Bono’s ceaseless attempts to force himself into their lives.

Bono sporting shades to raise awareness of the cause, stating "my sight is being hampered, just like ASD research is."

The plight of the ambidextrous sleeper goes on, and the end is far from sight. England international footballer and ASD awareness raiser Eric Dier, also suffers from the disorder. For Dier though, there are further complications. Because his face has 65% of the biomolecular makeup of a human foot, at peak times, he is still only sleeping at 13/20ths of the right side of the bed. This causes morning disorientation due to confusion of the parietal lobe. Dier hopes that one day research will be advanced enough to cure him, but at present, even basic techniques face a multitude of problems.

Dandelion and Burdock FC: A New Era of Marketing?

Chairman of soft drink manufacturer A.G. Barr, Ronnie Hanna, has a bold vision for the future of one its most iconic beverages. Dandelion and Burdock, a drink with origins dating back to 1265 when St. Thomas Aquinas founded the drink after wisdom from God, may be about to see an unexpected revival in popularity. Hanna, a man of strong business acumen, is set to deploy an untried marketing method in the Dandelion and Burdock sector; The creation of a football team.

The team is to be aptly named, Dandelion and Burdock FC, and will be situated in Cumbernauld, Scotland, hometown of Barr headquarters. Fans of current Cumbernauld team, Clyde FC, strongly oppose the idea of the new corporate club in their town. But Hanna has rubbished these concerns, suggesting that such animosity “can only be a good thing, as it shows that a fierce local derby is already on the cards”.

The move to creating the football team stems from recent poor sales figures. Ronnie Hanna is hopeful that this team will be the catalyst for future commercial success. "The meteoric rise of other corporate teams such as Hashtag FC has made us at Barr think, that is where we could be a few years down the line", said Hanna in a recent interview. He went on to say, “We at Barr think that Dandelion and Burdock is due its day in the sun”, before adding, “but don’t actually put Dandelion and Burdock in the sun. That would be detrimental to your Dandelion and Burdock experience.”

Many of the club traditions (listed below in the team’s trial application form) involve the use of, or presence of dandelions, which could prove problematic throughout much of the football season. The UK football calendar runs from August to May, whereas dandelion season famously spans from May to October. Critics of Dandelion and Burdock FC are sceptical as to how some of the newly manufactured club ‘traditions’ will be able to operate between November and April.

In the face of these critics Ronnie Hanna remains calm. He has spoken of using state-of-the-art biotechnology, which will be utilised for new dandelion farming techniques.



(Listed below is the projected club overview for Dandelion and Burdock FC.)

(Further below is the advertisement for applicants wanting to trial for the team.)




____________________________________________________________________________

Club Overview:

Name: Dandelion and Burdock FC
Coach: Mr Dan D. Lion
Mascot: Burdock Martin (A human-sized Burdock which wears Doc Martins)

Rough draft of Burdock Martin (without inclusion of his infamous Doc Martins)

Kit:
- Floral patterned shirts
- Yellow shorts
- Actual dandelions used as shoelaces

Founded: 1265
This date is inaccurate in terms of actual team formation, nonetheless it is set to be used on the crest, as it is when Dandelion and Burdock was first concocted. The FA and A.G. Barr are in dispute over the legality of the use of this date.

Chairman: St. Thomas Aquinas (RIP)
The official chairman will be Ronnie Hanna, but as a mark of respect, inventor of Dandelion and Burdock, St. Thomas Aquinas, has been honoured as the spiritual chairman of the club.

St. Thomas Aquinas: Saint of Dandelion and Burdock

____________________________________________________________________________


Trial for Dandelion and Burdock FC today!!!


DO YOU…
- Like playing football on moist, high-nitrogen soils?
- Enjoy the taste of dandelion and burdock?

…Well if so, sign up for trials today at Dandelion and Burdock FC!


From playing football, to drinking dandelion and burdock, you’ll do it all...
- Play football
- Drink Dandelion and Burdock
…The possibilities are endless!!


The Perks
- See our bespoke goal nets, weaved by arctium lappa experts, entirely out of burdock
- Drink Dandelion and Burdock with teammates before, during and after the match!
- Pray to our famous dandelion-covered St. Thomas Aquinas shrine
- Farm your own dandelion and burdock on the pitch-side allotment
- There’s even a traditional dandelion seed blowing after every goal!



Contact the Club directly at taraxacum.officinale@gmail.com