Non-Committal Norbert

Tabloid Ear Epidemic

Shut up and stop thinking. Disengage. Now re-engage; start again. But sit down, shut up and listen.

A threatening medical epidemic, named Tabloid Ear, has surged to unprecedented levels in recent years. Although Tabloid Ear is not a completely new phenomenon, its impact has never been so widespread.

Sufferers of Tabloid Ear not only have a more gullible frontal cortex, but actually do not even hear any utterance of truth at all. An explanation of the mechanics of Tabloid Ear is shown in the animation below. Under this condition, a person’s ‘Spasmic Resonance Duct’ becomes defective, preventing all useful information from reaching the brain. More elaborate, well-structured arguments, rather than entering the brain, enter the digestive system. In simplistic terms, Tabloid Ear victims can only hear facile information.

The origins of Tabloid Ear stem from “Tabloid Eye”, a similar complication regarding the processing of information. Those with Tabloid Ear also suffer from Tabloid Eye. Sufferers of Tabloid Eye have long graced the Earth, and are physically only able to see short, overly-simplistic forms of printed text. Recently however, the problem has grown in complexity and has escalated to the point of impairing not only sight, but hearing too. People are simply becoming tuned out of useful information frequencies. A new paradigm of media manipulation has begun.

Rising criticism of the NHS and political events such as Brexit lend themselves largely to this rise in Tabloid Ear. We interviewed a series of Tabloid Ear victims regarding the UK healthcare system. Annabelle Intestine, a 34-year-old from Derby, has had ocular problems of late. “The NHS is terrible now because of these immigrant doctors” claims Intestine. “I went because my eyes hurt, and I was told that they were infected. So I went home and bleached them, but I don’t know what he [the doctor] was on about because they’re way worse now. Bring back British Doctors.”

Another disgruntled sufferer, Richard Diculous, also has issues with the healthcare system. “Last time I went to the dentist she told me I had sensitive teeth. Now my teeth are even more timid after such humiliation. Why would she say that right in front of them?”. Diculous added that it was “a disgrace” and that he isn’t being racist but that “these people just don’t understand our culture.”

In some cases, Tabloid Ear can lead to extreme behaviour. Misplaced resentment and anger has caused serious physical injury to some Tabloid Ear sufferers, such as 48-year-old Ian Sledgehammer. “They wouldn’t see me at the doctors fast enough because of all these bloody EU regulations, so to get seen to quicker, I stuck my leg in a vending machine and snapped it”, explains Sledgehammer. At the moment in this interview in which Sledgehammer announced that “The EU made me break my own leg”, a problem became clear. The epidemic is reaching such an extent that Tabloid Ear victims are beginning to attribute irrelevant scarring events, such as the aforementioned, to tabloid information, only exacerbating their misdirected resentment.

You have to acknowledge that views such as these, often based on a vain sense of national pride, that although clearly illogical, are not their fault. One must be understanding and sympathise with the fact that they suffer cognitive impairment derived from their Tabloid Ear.

To cure a person of Tabloid Ear, one must visit an otolaryngologist. Sadly, the sheer complexity of the word ‘otolaryngologist’ means that sufferers of Tabloid Ear simply do not understand who they must visit to receive help. Even sufferers who do manage to reach the otolaryngologist struggle, as they fail to compute the majority of the given medical advice.

In almost all cases, those with Tabloid Ear are completely unaware of their disorder. So to help a victim, contact your local GP on their behalf. The GP will then refer the client to Earhab, where professional fully-trained holistic ear therapists will begin the long road to recovery. These professionals will perform a range of tasks, including:

- Massaging clients Eustachian tubes with a state of the art, bespoke cotton bud (this allows removing of auricular impurities)
- Delicately whispering some sense into their ears at a low-set tone
- Fanning air, fresh from difficult academic literature, directly into the client’s ears
- A range of specialist world treatment techniques including Rwandan Ear Rubbing

Every day the number of Tabloid Ear sufferer’s increases. The implications of this affliction can be disastrous, both physically and ideologically, putting all of society at risk of feeling the repercussions. If you know of anyone with Tabloid Ear, please assist in helping them get their mind back on course. The future of our country is at stake.